The Trinity Pages Recovery Journal
Stuff That Helps
Truth
Truth, no matter how painful, is always better than a lie, always better than denial. It's only through the truth that you can heal. The truth shall set you free (even if the truth is ugly, painful, or just not something you want to deal with).
A great quotation
It's not having been in the dark house, but having left it, that counts. ~ Theodore Roosevelt
I'm Still Standing
You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use
And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now
- Elton John, Bernie Taupin
Blessing in Disguise
In the deep of the dark you fell in as the heart
Of your world went down in flames
To a cauldron of pain. Seeing no way out
And as you walked through the fire, losing even desire
It was like a dying swan
To look at you then. But look at you now.
You have found a new lease on life
A stronger step and a curious calm on your face that you wear as if to say.
Chorus:
You can rise from the ashes again
You can rise to the morning that breaks in your eyes
For what looked like your heart's demise
Has turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
It has worked for the good, like you heard that it could
But it was hard, so hard to believe
Standing among the ruins of a dream
But from here looking back, you can see clearly that
You can gain from things that you lose
And learn many ways by many means.
You have been an inspiration to me
And all the volumes of hope your revival can speak will always say to me.
Chorus:
You can rise from the ashes again
You can rise to the morning that breaks in your eyes
For what looked like your heart's demise
Has turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
Chorus:
You can rise from the ashes again
You can rise to the morning that breaks in your eyes
For what looked like your heart's demise
Has turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
...It's turned out to be a blessing in disguise...
(Sung by Margaret Becker, "Along the Road", 1994)
A Guide to Handling Guilt and Self-Punishment
I've been practicing meditation as a means of stress management for a long time. In more recent times, I've used meditation as an active healing tool. Today I read A Guide to Handling Guilt and Self-Punishment and found it to be pretty amazing, so here's the link.
They Are Who They Are
I had a major breakthrough last night. I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off of me. It's amazing, and I am very, very grateful.
I don't know if I can explain all of the steps I took to get here. Suffice it to say that lately a lot of stuff has been reminding me of my mother and it's been... irritating. Bit like having sand in your shoe. It's not debilitating, but it's not comfortable and you wish it wasn't there. I finally got the sand out of my shoe last night...
In a nutshell, I finally understand something about relationships with other human beings, and that is that just as "I AM WHAT I AM", so too "THEY ARE WHAT THEY ARE". I am free to choose what to do, where to go, who to be, how to live. So are they. I live with the consequences of my decisions. So do they. I cannot (nor should I try to) force them to do what I think they should do (in my parents' case, it's give a damn and a genuine apology wouldn't have gone astray, but it's way too late for that now, of course). They can't force me to conform, I can't force them to conform. Even if I think they're completely wrong, it's not my place to try to make them be anything or do anything. They have free will, just as I do.
I know for some people this will seem not very helpful, but for me it has been amazing. I was finally able to let go. I was finally able to just say, "They are who they are, and that's all." I realise now that their treatment of me wasn't even personal! Seriously, it wasn't. It wouldn't have mattered who I was or wasn't, or what I was like, or what gender I was or anything else. I was just there, in the way, while they were doing their thing and acting how they wanted to act, and I got caught in the crossfire. It's regrettable, and it did do a lot of damage to me, yes, and in a perfect world they would have known better, but, well, they are who they are, and that's all.
I've heard people say "they were doing the best they could" and I've always rejected that idea. I've always said, "Well, their best wasn't good enough!" and that's true, of course, but... Honestly, they weren't (and aren't) equipped to be responsible, thoughtful, supportive, caring parents. They really just don't know how to do that. They're both deeply dysfunctional, and.... they are who they are. They could only act in ways they knew how to act. Controlling, manipulating, screaming, hitting, throwing things, verbal abuse, physical violence, neglect, eventually totally abandoning me to poverty and homelessness (happily, I didn't end up homeless, but I was very, very close), they did these things because, well, they are who they are. They probably were doing their (misguided, ill-planned, poorly judged) best. And no, it wasn't good enough, but it's the best they could do. I don't even think most of their actions were consciously deliberate. I know that on the whole they were severely misguided and acted accordingly. They are who they are.
I cannot begin to describe the peace I feel inside. I was able to completely let go and forgive (note: I've written this before, but forgiveness does not necessarily mean I'm saying "it was all okay", nor does it mean I have any desire for reconciliation; I'm still free to say "these are not people I want to have in my life"). I was able to just accept that they are who they are, good and bad, and I am who I am, good and bad, and that's pretty much the size of it all. All the rage appears to be gone. I'm not irritated any more. I don't feel especially loving toward them, although I have some degree of pity on some counts. I just feel free. I feel like I'm no longer bound to them.
I wish I could find the words to make people understand the power of release and forgiveness. I feel like I could fly...
Accupressure Technique for dealing with PTSD
I Won't Back Down
Well I wont back down, no I wont back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I wont back down
Gonna stand my ground, wont be turned around
And Ill keep this world from draggin me down
Gonna stand my ground and I wont back down
Hey baby, there aint no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I wont back down.
Well I know whats right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin me around
But Ill stand my ground and I wont back down
Hey baby there aint no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I wont back down
No, I wont back down
(The Travelling Wilburys)
Meditation
I've been getting more and more serious about meditation, and I'm finding it extremely helpful on all levels. The other day I was absolutely furious about something, my face was red and hot, I was so angry I could barely speak, and I used meditation to calm right down and get centred really quickly. I've always had problems with how to cope with anger, how to cool it down or direct it or otherwise deal with it. Meditation gives me the means of completely diffusing it. It's fantastic!
If you're interested in finding out more about meditation and its benefits, there are tons of links on the web, just Google "how to meditate" or "meditation benefits". You can also get lots of good free "guided" meditations and free meditation courses. If you're interested in learning, I'd suggest starting at The Meditation Society of Australia (don't worry, it's not just for Australians!) and signing up for their free online meditation course.
I really seriously recommend meditation. It's not religious, you don't have to believe in any sort of deity or particular belief system. It's just a way to quiet your mind, find inner peace, and heal yourself.
Meditation articles
Meditation alters the brain in permanent, beneficial ways.
I'm so glad I've taken up meditation seriously. I'm finding it really, really helpful. I've done it off an on for years, but I'm doing it much more properly and regularly now, and the benefits are enormous. I'm calmer, more centered, my thinking is clearer, I generally feel better emotionally and mentally, it's just fantastic.
I really, really recommend it.
Meditation
Well, I've been really working on meditation. I'm not doing it every day, but most days I do. I've been getting into some fairly deep and dissociative states, which is very relaxing. Mostly, I do a fairly light trance where my mind just drifts around a little, thoughts float in and out, very restful. It's like taking a little holiday.
My mind has historically been extremely chattery and noisy and never, ever still. Since I've been meditating regularly, my mind is much more quiet, in a good way. I can think more clearly because I don't have to worry about all the other yakkety-yak in there, vying for attention. I'm able to really focus on things, and I feel generally much, much more at ease and peaceful.
Meditation has also brought about a number of issues and other negative beliefs that need to be dealt with. I find that when meditating, I can fairly easily address these things and release them. I've been on a path of forgiveness (what an incredible relief to just forgive, release, and move forward!) and of just plain release in cases where there's some issue that isn't really about forgiveness. I just acknowledge and let it go. And, almost miraculously, it's gone. Only in a couple of cases have I had to go back and do the process again, to really let go.
I have all these... this is just a mental image, of course, but I feel like I've got all these ribbons that just float in the breeze. They used to be tied to things. To people, to situations, to memories, to emotions (mostly negative), and I was dragging them along with me, couldn't escape them, always had them with me, and I wasn't even aware of it most of the time. But now, I just have these silvery, floaty ribbons that are there, gently waving, reminding me that I'm free of whatever was on the other end. Eventually, I'll let go of the ribbons, too, of course, but for now, I'm just enjoying the feeling of having cut those things loose.
I feel like I'm really moving forward, really making progress. I had a lull of several years where the healing was still happening, but at a slower pace. Now it's like I've taken it up again, plus added on a pretty big growth curve, too.
Feels absolutely fantastic.
Forgiveness
I've been working on forgiveness. When I'm in a meditative session, I visualise the person and then mentally talk to them, telling them how hurt or angry or upet I was/am with them, and then I just move on to whatever helps me let go. With one person, I "told" them that I understood they were, themselves, profoundly damaged and not terribly bright, and that as I knew I'd never have reconciliation or satisfaction in this life, I was just going to release it all. With another person, I just noted that what goes around does, indeed, come around, and that someday they'll have to deal with it coming around, and in the meantime, I'm tired of carrying the debt, so I'm writing them off the books...
You see, forgiveness, as I've written before, isn't necessarily what people think it is. It's not about telling someone that what they did was okay. It's more like a debt. You loan someone money. They now owe it to you. It's a rightful debt, but they're not repaying it. They do everything in their power to duck responsibility, to avoid repaying the debt. They may pretend there is no debt, or that they've already repaid you. At some point, you decide that you're sick of chasing them, sick of dealing with them, sick of having them "on the books", so to speak. So you cut your losses and release the debt. You forgive the debt. You forgive them.
Yeah, they owe you, but what are you going to do? Carry around anger and resentment and bitterness and every other kind of negative emotion until you die? For what purpose? They don't care if you're hurt or angry! By allowing them to keep that little piece of yourself and your emotions, you're giving them power over you.
I've never been good at forgiveness. I'm a natural "hoarder", a packrat. I keep all kinds of useless junk, physically and intellectually and emotionally. So I've hung on to resentment and anger and other things that are truly not good for me... Partly it was stubbornness, partly it was habit, partly it was ignorance, partly it was spite, and a big part was not knowing HOW to release, how to forgive.
And lately the need has been to forgive and release these things, because I know that it's not helping me, it's not hurting them (hell, some of the people I've forgiven wouldn't even remember me, that's how long I can hold a grudge!), and I'm tired of having that connection to them.
I've just been letting it happen naturally. It's helpful to meditate, as that tends to shake loose a lot of those things, so when some person I've got a grudge against appears in my thoughts, I examine it and see if there's anything to forgive. If there is, I do so. Sometimes I can do it quickly and easily, but sometimes it goes a lot deeper and I have to really prepare for it.
This morning when I got up, someone I hadn't thought about in years popped into my head. It was a counsellor I had once, a so-called Xtian who was very judgemental with me and was operating on significant ignorance, and he ended up doing a lot of damage in a lot of ways, including spiritually. The thing about him that most angers me is that he probably never fully understood the depth of damage. He was just so sure he was "right" he couldn't for a moment consider that he wasn't... Anyway, he came to mind today and I'm surprised at the depth of my resentment. I think this is one I'm going to have to take some time to think about, and when I do my evening meditative session, I'll address "him" and the lingering anger and then release.
I must say, I find that forgiveness is quite liberating. It's a burden lifted, it's a connection severed. It's one more thing I can tick off the list of "stuff I need to worry about". It's putting down heavy and worthless baggage and just leaving it. I highly recommend cultivating forgiveness. I actually hope that as I do this more and more, it will become second nature to me to forgive easily.
Mind you, forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting. There are plenty of things that I will never, ever forget. Just because I forgive someone doesn't mean I want to resume a relationship with them or even talk to them ever again. I can forgive and still remember the treachery or the pain, and once bitten twice shy...
Brainwave Entrainment
You may not (probably don't, actually) know what "brainwave entrainment" is. I didn't know, either until a couple weeks ago.
According to Wikipedia, "Brainwave synchronization, also called brainwave entrainment, is concerned with frequency following response, a naturally occuring phenomenon in which similar frequencies tend to synchronize with each other."
Quite by accident, I stumbled upon a very cool software that lets you put brainwave synch sounds in any music you want, and it also has a way cool visualisation thing that synchs to the music. Very hypnotic, which is the point, of course. (I know, I know, this sounds like an advertisement, but honestly, read back over this blog and you'll see that I'm NOT the sort of person who just uses this journal to try to sell people things or trick them or anything else.)
I got the software because I wanted help with meditation and I thought it could also help with the panic/anxiety. I'm very seriously impressed with it, to say the least. The calm/relaxation sessions definitely work. I feel... well... calm. It's pretty weird for me, but weird in a good way. It's like being on Valium (which I only ever took when I had to visit the dentist, I want to point out; too addictive otherwise!), but without the sleepiness and without the actual drug. I'm actually just walking around feeling pretty much calm and centered and when I do get frustrated or annoyed (and yeah, I do, pretty regularly), it goes away relatively easy. Outstanding. Really. I'm kinda shocked and very, very pleasantly surprised.
I'm also sleeping better (there are sessions for insomnia, but I haven't needed/wanted to use any of those yet). There are sessions for Seasonal Affective Disorder, which I haven't tried yet because it hasn't hit me (still pretty early in the cycle for me to be bothered much). I do a daily "wake up" session that really perks me up and makes me feel happy and calm, and there are sessions for various kinds of meditation (very helpful!) and other cool stuff. There are sessions for anxiety/panic, for increasing focus, for study help and concentration, etc.
The most impressive thing I've seen so far is the results from the sessions for chronic pain, Fibromyalgia, etc. I was pretty dubious as to how much good it would do, but I had a high pain day and I did a session and it seemed to help, so I did another and then went to bed and slept fine and was nearly pain free the next day (suprisingly!). Then, the day after that we went out to the zoo and I did a lot of walking and tiring myself out, which would normally trigger another high pain episode, but I did a couple of brainwave sessions and today I feel pretty good. Even my stubbornly constant stiff need is more tolerable. I'm actually quite pleasantly shocked that it does, indeed, seem to work!
I've had some good success with some of the deeper meditative sessions (meditation is tricky for me; it's really hard to keep my brain quiet long enough to slip into it, but it's very straightforward with this software). In fact, there are a lot of interesting sessions that I'll eventually try, stuff to do with very deep meditation, stuff to encourage lucid dreaming (something I've always wanted to try), stuff that induces a really pleasant kind of euphoria (and yes, it works, it's great), just all sorts of cool things.
Like I said, I know this sounds like an advertisement, but this is worth getting excited, and worth putting a link to their site, because I'd recommend the software to anyone, especially to readers of this journal, most of whom have anxiety/panic, PTSD, or other issues that I believe can be helped by brainwave entrainment. Change your brain, change your life, eh?
I particularly like Mind Stereo, which lets you listen to any music you want while you're also getting the brainwave entrainment, and you can add positive affirmations if you want, with or without the entrainment (sometimes I just put on some music - I've been really liking Vangelis lately - and listen to my positive affirmations while I work at the computer). I've also been using Neuro-Programmer 2 quite a lot (it's very similar to, but has different features than Mind Stereo).
Oh, and they do have trial versions and I can also say that the customer service is excellent (that's always a good thing, in my opinion), plus they have a community forum where you can ask questions or whatever.
So, go check it out. Try it. If you like it, buy it. I think you'll be glad you did. I know I'm grateful that I happened upon this stuff.
Positive Affirmations
Every time I think of "positive affirmations" I think of the old Saturday Night Live character played by Al Franken, Stuart Smalley. I just thought I'd better say so before I went on, in case anyone reading this has the same association.
*ahem* Okay. Got that out of your system? Good.
Now. I've been working with positive affirmations. I've bought myself a program that, among other things, allows you to create your own affirmations and combine them with music or ambient backgrounds. I have a whole bunch of them, recorded in my own voice, and I'm listening to them for a fair amount of time every day, just as I sit at the computer, doing my stuff.
It's going to take some time to get past the years and years of negative programming instilled by my mother (who told me at every opportunity that I was worthless, useless, never finished anything I started, would never succeed at anything, etc.). I'm trying to counteract all of those negative things, as well as add some additional positive suggestions and affirmations.
You'd think that just listening to me telling myself positive things wouldn't be too stressful, and it's not, but something is kind of going on in my subconscious, and I feel sort of ... wobbly. It's hard to explain. I keep getting flares of severely negative moods, for example. It's almost like my old programming is trying to fight back! Every now and then, it just rears up suddenly like a crocodile and grabs hold and tries to drag me under...
I'm not going to let the negativity win. I'm so incredibly sick of self-sabotage and bad, STUPID old programming ruling my life. I'm trying not to let anger take control right now, because every time I have to deal with yet ANOTHER issue that pops up (this time wrestling with my subconsious negativity), I have all this resentment that bubbles up...
I need a new affirmation. I am not the person my parents created. I am a new creation.
Excellent Quotation
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
Survivor support
I was once a fairly active participant in the online survivor community, but I kind of put it aside for a long time because I was just tired of the whole process. Recovery burnout, I guess you could say.
Anyway, lately I've been feeling like I really need to talk to people who have been there and who will understand some of this bizarre experience that is recovery from abuse. Best folks for that are other abuse survivors, in my experience (which is not a slight against people from functional families, heh).
So I went in search of just such a group/place and found one that seems appropriate. I read a lot of the material in their archives and saw the kinds of responses and the sort of people who hang out there, etc., and I think I may just hang with them a while. Believe it or not, I'm pretty good at giving comfort, even if it's only in a "yeah, been there, done that" kind of way, and it will be good to be among people who have firsthand understanding and may be able to offer practical advice.
I'm wondering now if maybe I should go back into counseling for a while. I don't know if it would help or not, but maybe it's not a bad idea. I'll have to think about it. I can't go on letting these weird scars and stupid negative memories affect my whole life.
Art
I've been thinking for a while now that I want to do some art that expresses things that are bothering me, things that still bother me, or maybe just draws a picture of some of the things inside my head. Ambiguous images, maybe. Abstract. Collage, even. Dunno yet... I tend to do illustrative stuff, so we'll see what I can work up.
I do have one image in my online gallery site that expresses some of the rage and shame that fuels self-injury, and I'll move that here when I get a gallery going on this site (yeah, I'll set up a whole gallery, why not?).
I just feel like I've written volumes about this stuff, and I have. I used to have a lot of poetry (even though I'm not a very good poet) and prose on this site that I wrote to express my pain, frustration, etc. I might bring some of that back someday, I dunno...
But for now I'm going to think about how to express some things visually. Got a couple of ideas to start. Don't know when I'll accomplish them.
Anti-Depressants
I forgot to mention this, but the anti-depressants have kicked in and I am feeling better. Sleep has improved, mood has improved. I'm still rather easily irritated, but what else is new? (Yes, it's a joke. I do make then, even when the subject is serious.)
The worst side effect I've seen from this medication is the dry mouth. YUCK. I drink all the time but no matter how much I drink, my mouth feels dry and kinda "filmy" inside. I suspect it also makes my nasal passages dry, because my frequent bloody noses (due mostly to dryness; if I use a high-quality lanolin product to moisturise my nose inside, it's much, much better, and yes, I do know it's strange and gross, but what can you do?).
I do know that as I take the medication more, the dry mouth (and nose?) will improve, but at first it's quite annoying. Still, it's a small price to pay for getting one's imbalanced brain chemistry put right.
Ginkgo Biloba
Well, I've been taking Ginkgo Biloba for several weeks now, and it really does seem to help with the "brain fog" I'm prone to get. Good stuff.
It's not helping much today because I'm physically very tired and in a fair degree of pain (which is kinda distracting).