The Trinity Pages Recovery Journal

Panic/Anxiety and PTSD

Ugh. Adrenaline and endorphin hangover.

Panic attack today. Doesn't matter what triggered it. I'm still feeling the after-effects, and it sucks. I hate the panic attack hangover. Gaahhh.

War Veterans

First, I've got no particular issue with war veterans. I want to make that clear. I've known a LOT of them (I'm a military brat). However, I'm really triggered right now, and I'm not sure what's "underneath", which is why I'm writing.

There's apparently a certain attitude that any and all "war veterans" are automatically above reproach, no matter how vile they are. Now, I would agree that someone with, say, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is probably in need of some degree of understanding, provided they're willing to acknowledge the problem and get help for it. But just being "a war veteran" does not automatically make someone "a hero" any more than being a survivor of child abuse does.

My father is a war veteran. He's not a hero by anyone's standards. He's an obnoxious, abusive bully. He was before he went to Viet Nam, he was after. Whether or not his experience there (which did not include direct combat as he was not ever a combat soldier) did damage to his psyche, I can't say, but he was a jerk before he went, so I suspect all it did was make him somewhat worse.

To be fair, he had a hell of a childhood. Abusive father, they were apparently quite poor, he was a bit of a ruffian and hotwired a car or two. I'm not saying he hasn't got reasons for being the jerk that he is. I'm also not saying that his experiences in Viet Nam didn't leave a lasting negative impression on an already damaged psyche.

HOWEVER...

Merely being "a war veteran" does not make him "a hero". It does not excuse the things he did. It does not make him great, or even good. It doesn't make his behaviour okay, it doesn't make him a nice guy, it doesn't make him a good father.

Anyone who insists that ALL "war veterans" are automatically entitled to some sort of hero worship merely for the fact that they spent a year in some war situation is seriously out of touch with the real world. Yes, some of these men and women made significant sacrifices for the benefit of others, and I don't deny that.

But it doesn't mean my father is anything less than an abusive, obnoxious bully, veteran or not.

Woah

For the first time in years, I had a panic attack. A big one. One that included hyperventilation and crying and shaking and the irrational need to be totally away from people. It started in public, at a busy shopping centre, when we were considering where to have lunch. I didn't want to eat in the food court because it's too big and too crowded and there were just too many people. Unfortunately, I didn't recognise the pre-panic state and I wasn't able to articulate it well and I ended up being dragged through the crowd anyway (well, it felt like being dragged, anyway).

I felt worse and worse and the kids were bickering and misbehaving and arguing with me and one thing led to another, and I eventually just lost it completely. I had to walk out of the shopping centre. I kept trying to tell Andrew to feed the kids and leave me alone, but he didn't get it and I wasn't able to explain it. I just had the irresistible urge to run away, and once I got into the open air I knew for sure I was going to lose it.

I managed to resist sobbing until I got into the car, but I was hyperventilating severely, with that thing where you suck in air so fast you cause your throat to partially collapse and you cough like a fool, making the breathing difficulties even worse. And I was crying. And shaking all over. I don't know how long it lasted, but it was probably only a few minutes. Andrew and the kids were standing outside the car the whole time (as I said, he didn't get it when I said to feed the kids and leave me alone).

When the worst was over, they got in the car and I had to explain to the kids that it wasn't their fault, but that, yes, when I say to do something, they should actually do it and not argue with me, because their bickering did make it worse (it's a fine line between laying on the guilt - which I don't want to do - and making it clear that misbehaviour on their part really does contribute to my lack of well-being and mental/emotional balance sometimes, and well, frankly, I'm a fairly reasonable parent, it's not that hard to just do what I ask).

I felt better after lunch, but I feel totally drained and very, very crappy now. I hate panic attacks. I feel stupid and out of control when it happens (well, duh, out of control, panic attack, uhm, yeah).

And what put me in the frame of mind to have a panic attack? Months of very, very significant stress on a matter I won't go into, but which was (mostly) resolved today (finally!). And then, less than an hour after "the pressure is off" I completely lost my mind for a few minutes and sat in my car hyperventilating and sobbing for no reason whatsoever... Hmmm. Stress. Not so good for me...

Stress and Frustration

I've realised that the reason I handle stress so badly is because it actually triggers a post traumatic flashback. It's extremely subtle, which is why it took so long ti figure it out.

Basically, my childhood was pretty stressful. Bit of an understatement there (even my mother has admitted that things were really stressful, so that should give an idea; if the Queen of Denial could recognise it, well...). I reacted to that stress in various ways, including the usual hypervigilance, fear, dysfunctional coping techniques, and so on. Nothing new there. But the thing is, the reaction to stress is the same as it ever was. I get under stress (regardless of the cause) and I immediately flash back into a little kid who was powerless, afraid, expecting something really bad and scary to happen, and so on.

Not a happy place to be, to say the least. Poor, unhappy, frightened kid.

I also figured out why I handle frustration so poorly. Partly, I think it's just my personality, but there's also an element of flashback there, too. Frustration closely resembles the emotion association with being thwarted (in fact, according to Merriam-Webster, the verb "to thwart" is a synonym for "to frustrate": 1 a: to run counter to so as to effectively oppose or baffle : contravene b: to oppose successfully : defeat the hopes or aspirations of).

My mother was an expert at thwarting my plans, hopes, desires, dreams, wants, even needs with little or no warning (I won't give specific examples, though I could; let's just say she made sure I knew I was useless, worthless, good for nothing, lazy, ungrateful, thoughtless, and so forth, and those are literal examples of things my mother said to me fairly regularly). She was expert at frustrating me, and at discouraging me.

It seems I spent most of my childhood in a state of frustration and discouragement. I learned to avoid it whenever and however I could. I learned to anticipate frustration and do whatever necessary to avoid experiencing it, to avoid feeling thwarted. I have quit or given up on a lot of relationships, projects, careers, educational paths, and more, and I did all of it out of the fear that I was going to end up having to experience the awful pain of being frustrated, thwarted, and discouraged. I quit to avoid having to be disappointed. (Note that I didn't realise this at the time; I always had a list of "reasons" why quitting or giving up was the smartest thing I could do given the circumstances and so on.)

Yeah, I know. Everyone in life has disappointments. I get that. Fair enough, too. I can deal with a lot of disappointment, but only when it's something I don't really want, and only when it's something I don't really need. Add a genuine and honest desire into the mix and I just can't cope, because the fear of being disappointed, the fear of being frustrated and thwarted, is too great.

And more to the point, those feelings trigger a post traumatic flashback. It's a very subtle one. It just "colours" everything, clouding my perception and my judgement. I react not to the situation in the here and now, but to the situation as I experience it through the haze of negative thoughts and emotions.

So, well, now I see it, and I know it, and I can take steps to get rid of it, and to replace it with something more adaptive and more appropriate. I'm not sure yet how I'm going to do this. I suppose contemplative meditation will be a good place to start (it's been helpful before).

Temporary Insanity

Well, without going into explicit details, let's just say I've discovered another ingredient in my recent bout of temporary insanity, and it was hormones.

So... My own participation in unnecessary and purposeless negativity, my own trusting of people who were and are not trustworthy, physical illness (I was recovering from a fairly significant virus), sleep depravation (due to aforementioned illness; I was sleeping, but not well), and then add in a sudden, sharp change in hormones, and then add on top of that external pressure from aforementioned untrustworthy people.

Small wonder I crashed. It's actually a bit of a shock that I didn't go and try to find some tall building to jump off of...

Well, anyway, I ended up learning a great deal, including the fact that I do have friends, and now I know who they are (as well as knowing who aren't my friends!), and I've learned that I'm a "negaholic" and that I cannot, under ANY circumstances, indulge my tendency to be mean-spirited and I absolutely must avoid all forms of negativity as much as possible, and shield myself from that which I cannot avoid (such as Andrew's insistance on watching the news and bringing murder, war, rape, and robbery into our home).

Good things have and will continue to blossom from this event, I'm sure. I wish I wasn't so thick that I needed to crash and burn to finally see the truth and get the lesson, but it's my own fault and I accept that. Oh, well. Another lesson, the scars will remain but the wounds will heal, and I'm a little bit wiser.

Better

I've got a better idea what happened. I'm feeling better and finding direction. I don't hate myself any more, which is good. And I don't feel insane, which is even more good.

Let's just say those old cycles of negativity will get me every time. Sometimes sooner, sometimes later. And I absolutely must watch not only my own thoughts and emotions, I really, really, really need to very carefully choose who I allow into my aura (so to speak). Some people and some environments are bad for me, it's as simple as that.

I don't know what happened

I'm in a place I haven't been for years. I don't know what happened, or how I got here. I was doing really well, and something inside just SNAPPED and the next thing I knew I was down at the bottom of the black pit again, knowing that I'm worthless, knowing that I'm usless, knowing that I suck, that my life is meant to suck, that any glimmer of joy or happiness I get is a mistake, that I'm powerless and weak, that nothing I want to do works out the way I intend, all of that. All of it.

I didn't see this coming. Not at all. It just suddenly appeared and blindsided me. BAM, right into the bottom of the pit. And quite frankly, I can't see any reason to try to climb out again. The higher you climb, the further you fall, and the more it hurts when you hit the bottom. I'm thinking the smartest thing I can do is just stay here at the bottom.

I don't know what the hell to do. I'm in a very, very bad place. I don't know how to get out of it, or if there's any point. I don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to. I don't even know what happened...

Very bad

Feeling ... not good. Don't think I have words to fully express. Let's just say self-injury isn't far from my mind. The sting and the endorphins would be good. Helps to distract me. Right now, I wish I was dead.

Disconnection and other ills

Feeling very disconnected and restless lately. The restlessness is the anxiety, and the insomnia just makes it worse because when I'm tired I'm more prone to attacks of anxiety. I'm a little paranoid, but not as much as I was a day or two ago.

I've had a pretty horrid 24 hours, as well. Last night my desk chair (which is a leather high-back, thank you) BROKE. It's got one of those spoked bottoms, with five legs that come out from the center like a star, and one of the legs just cracked and BROKE. So I had to go buy a new chair today, something I'm not too thrilled about having to do. I also didn't sleep well or enough last night, and I've been having to deal with, basically, an online stalker... It's all been very stressful and difficult to cope with, and it's showing.

I'm also having to deal with feelings of helplessness, which are amongst the MOST terrifying of feelings for me. I've just got this feeling of facing a giant, and I'm not going to be able to stand up and fight, let alone win. I'm going to have to do what I always do, what I hate doing, run away and "survive".

Frankly, I'm pretty damned tired of surviving. I want to THRIVE. I want to transcend and thrive and blossom and bear fruit. I'm tired of constantly being "uprooted" and having to start all over again, and being powerless to stop people from screwing with me on a whim.

I'm sick of being powerless. I'm sick of having my dreams and aspirations shattered whenever anyone feels like it. I'm sick of... well, a lot of things.

I have no idea how to break out of this, and that just adds to the feelings of helplessness and vulnerability. This horrible fear that my mother was actually right, and I'll never amount to anything, and I'll never make anything of my life...

Jumpy

I'm very jumpy and irritable these days. Not sure why. Partly, it's the time of the year. Not only do I get wicked hay fever, there are some significant dates that tend to upset me.

I've also not been physically well (other than the hayfever, I mean). There's a tummy bug going around. Miranda had it, I had it, now Zoë has it...

Anyway, I'm getting upset quite easily, and over quite inconsequential things.

A good thing, though, is that I actively fought off a panic attack earlier this week. My computer, for reasons unknown, crashed. Well, Windows crashed. Some part of the C partition got overwritten or there was a bad sector or something, because Windows was toast...

After much hassle and annoyance and irritation and trouble, I managed to get the operating system reinstalled, but at first I was really having to fight the panic. I actually did quite well with that, I was surprised how well I managed to keep calm. I could feel the panic attack rising up, bubbling, but I just pushed it aside and got on with it.

So, well, despite my general irritability (which may, in fact, be related to the near-panic attack, now that I come to think of it), hayfever, and sick people all around (including me), I seem to be doing all right, generally speaking.

So I'm not having a good time of it

Ebay have increased their fees. Why this makes any difference at all is that it's .... Let's just say they raised fees and are reducing services and they've priced a lot of people right off their site. They're also stonewalling, and refusing to answer perfectly legitimate questions. It's complicated, but in a nutshell, they screwed up and we're paying for it.

The whole thing is very deeply upsetting for lots of reasons, not the least of which is that I've just learned the hard way that a company with which I was doing business heavily is not to be trusted and certainly not to be relied on. Not only do I have to completely and utterly re-assess my entire business model and strategies, the way this has been handled has been very, VERY poor, to the point of insulting.

The relationship that many sellers have with eBay is dysfunctional. You feel you MUST sell through them because of their high traffic, but they let cheaters, frauds, and thieves to overrun the site, they won't fix things on the site that are broken (even though they know about it), they won't respond to genuine questions. They've undoubtedly got the WORST customer service I've ever experienced, and I've gotten some pretty bad customer service in my day...

Anyway, this whole thing has seriously triggered an axiety episode. I'm not sleeping well at all, and I'm exhusted and incredibly cranky. When I don't sleep, I get headaches, which just makes it worse. My teeth ache all the time, probably from me sucking on them and gnashing them, and I've got a constantly upset stomach with all the stuff that accompanies significant stress.

Bleah.

Saw a man today...

I was in the post office today and there was a guy there who reminded me of D___. I actually felt physically sick. The guy had a similar build, height, hair color, and facial hair, similar glasses, even the same dumb expression on his face. I actually had to avoid looking at him because I felt so sick and dizzy. (None of this, of course, is the fault of the guy in the post office, who was just waiting in the queue to do his postal business).

The thing this tells me is that even after all these years, I'm still traumatised.

To his credit, it wasn't all entirely his fault (I mean D___, of course, not the bloke in the post office). D___ isn't the brightest crayon in the box and he had a TON of issues of his own (and an absolute idiot for a mother), and when I started to go crazy, he just couldn't cope and he didn't have the intelligence to figure out what to do. He could, if he had made the effort, actually won be back, believe it or not. He was getting counselling, he was trying to change himself and his life, he wanted to heal, etc. He could have won me back if he'd had an OUNCE of damned sense or some actual GOOD advice (instead of the crap he got from his "counsellor", and I know it was crap advice because I saw the guy a few times and we had joint counselling sessions, as well).

Instead, he was a big, abusive, stupid dumbass, and all he did was frighten me and eventually disgust me. For years I had nightmares about him stalking me and holding me prisoner and such. I came to regard him as... Let's just say any respect I may have had for him or any love I had for him went out the window.

And it was SO bad that seeing a bloke in a post office on the opposite side of the planet who vaguely looks like him can turn my stomach, even after all these years...

Triggered

I like to watch the television show Cold Case. I think it's very well-written and the art direction and set design is fantastic. And normally I don't find it particularly troubling.

Tonight, though the episode was very, very triggering. It involved an abusive husband and murder and having to give up a child you love because you feel you have no choice.

I'm still feeling quite sick and upset. I had to leave the room for part of the show, that's how upsetting I found it. I normally have a pretty good handle on this stuff, but this... too upsetting.

I hope to feel better tomorrow. I usually do after a good night's sleep...

I just have to keep saying, "It's just a television show. It's just a television show. It's just a television show..."

Anxiety attack

I'm having an anxiety attack. Not 100% sure why, but part of it is from encountering someone with the most forceful, ignorant, obnoxious, and downright moronic opinions I've encountered in a long time, and for some reason it just really ticked me off.

Part of it, too, is that I'm starting to wonder if a particular person (not the one mentioned above) actually has some sort of grudge against me, and I'm wondering that because there seems to be a subtle "let me correct you on a few points" thing going on. Maybe I'm imagining it, I dunno. It's probably not worth worrying about, but if it's true, it is somewhat disturbing.

I could just be paranoid. I tend to get that way when I'm anxious.

Hope to feel better tomorrow.

Arrrgghhh

Having an absolutely horrendous panic attack right now. I won't go into what triggered it, but this is not good. It's the second panic attack I've had in less than a week. I was still trying to recover from the previous one... Stress is very bad for me, and I've been under a lot of it, and it makes my physical condition much worse, which contributes to my stress and anxiety which turns into a vicious cycle. Arrgh.

Ouch

Feeling extremely unwell today, emotionally. Very off-balance, very paranoid. Partly, I had a big panic attack earlier that hasn't yet hit me full-force (I'm mananging to keep it more or less "at bay" while Andrew's at work, but it's going to hit me really hard later, I know that much). So it's just taking the form of insidious, painful, diffiult-to-ignore anxiety and creeping paranoia.

Dammit, anxiety attack

Well, I got past my couple of days of depression last week and was starting to feel better, and today I've got an anxiety attack, dammit! I'm not going to say what triggered it (I do know what triggered it and it's really stupid, so that's why I'm not going to say what it was), but I've been having those annoying thoughts that "dwell" on the thing that upset me, that feeling that I can't just let go of it and move on. *sigh*

I hate that. I feel so stupid when this happens...

Flashback

Very, very triggered. Not sure why. Just hit me the wrong way, I guess, just got under my skin in just the right way. Reminded me too much of my father, I think.

Basically, someone who doesn't even know me just reduced all my life experiences, perceptions, and insights to "crap" because my method of dealing with random assholes is to just basically laugh at them and write them off as assholes. Apparently, because I don't "fight back" and get verbally abusive and nasty, I'm "allowing the abuse to continue".

And what "abuse" am I allowing to continue? Random pot shot negative comments by trolls who post anonymously to web-based art galleries. Yes, that's right folks. You heard it here first! I'm stupid and full of crap because I don't kick and scream and rant and rave every time some random moron who's not even brave enough to use a recognizable identity says something mean about some picture or another that I've done.

But the thing is, I normally don't get affected by this sort of thing. I'm not sure what set me off, what triggered me. I think that maybe he just reminded me too much of my father.... My face is hot, and I feel nauseated and I can't quite see straight at the moment, and I'm dizzy. I appear to be in the throes of a full-blown PTSD flashback at the moment. Whee.

Well, hey, the guy can throw himself a party. He managed to really upset me. Yay for him.

[EDITED to add more information]

Turns out he's one of those "I'm right and you're wrong and who cares if you're upset," people. Amazing. He whines and rants about how people are "critical" of his work, but when he triggers someone ele's post traumatic flashback with his ranting, that's okay. It's all my own fault. If I just agreed that people should take it immediately to heart and get all pissed off over drive-by, anonymous, stupdity-based comments, then he wouldn't have had to reduce my life experience and opinions to "crap", right?

He's also one of those "gotta get the last word" people. You know the sort, gotta have the last word, even if it's a grunt? See, if you can get the last word, it means you WIN! (My mother's like that.)

Basically, this guy is precisely what I expected he was. Very like my father. I've written him off as an idiot and I have no further desire to know about him. As far as I'm concerned, nothing he has to say would be of ANY value to me whatsoever (what could he possibly say that would interest me, really?)

Oh, and this is snide and catty but.... He's not a good artist. I'm not surprised people occasionally comment on his poor technique or his missing shadows (we're talking a woman standing in broad daylight and she's got NO shadows whatsoever, very disturbing) or whatever. He's bad enough that it draws negative comments.

Panic, Etc.

I had a nasty panic attack this past weekend. I didn't write about it at the time for various reasons, but I'm writing about it now.

It was the first panic attack I've had in a very long time, probably more than a year. Bascially, there are too many little stresses in my life and it's past the Autumnal Equinox and I'm heading into my typical Seasonal Affective Disorder and the anti-depressants haven't had a chance to work yet, so I'm pretty vulnerable to stress.

I'm not sleeping well. I sleep very close to the surface, waking every couple of hours. I don't know if I ever get to real deep sleep. I just know I keep waking up and I toss and turn a lot. (One good thing, though, is that with all the tossing and turning, my neck doesn't get as stiff and sore, go figure.)

My appetite is also kinda weird. I just don't seem to have one. That's not all that unusual, but not only do I not have an appetite, I really don't want to eat most of the time. Nothing "sounds good", if you know what I mean. This is pretty odd for me. Even when I don't have an appetite, I eat (my long, unhealthy, love-hate relationship with food there). Oh, well. At leat I may lose a bit of weight. I can certainly spare a few kilos.

I'm very easily annoyed lately, too. I really hate that. I don't like being bitchy all the time, but I can't seem to help it.

I'm hoping I'll feel better when the anti-depressants have had time to do their work. It's going to be a pretty crappy winter if they don't...

Very, very triggered

I am so seriously annoyed right now. Someone in a forum I visit is going on and on about how young girls wearing "suggestive" clothes (hipsters, short tops, etc.) are somehow inviting rape. I mean, he's not using those words, but he may as well.

Furthermore, he's going off on that idiotic view that the 1950s was perfect, and everything was lovely and wonderful then. The fact that women were quite repressed and that a lot of crimes (such as what we now know as "date rape") went unreported, the fact that women who became pregnant out of wedlock (even if they were victims of rape or incest) were ostracized, the fact that a hell of a lot went on and just nobody said anything or reported it, that doesn't matter. It was perfect, and because I disagree, I'm some sort of left-wing lunatic.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. It's all Liberal Bias(tm). It's not that people are predatory. It's not that the world has always sucked and people have always done harm to each other. It's not that at certain periods in history there was a guilt thing and a conformity thing and people just did not or could not report certain kinds of crimes...

I'll calm down. I've put that particular person on "Ignore" and I won't read any more of his idiotic blame-laying or unrealistic view of history or interpretation of hsitorical events. He can rant all he wants and I don't have to see it.

So thing this is... I'm wondering how this belief makes him feel better. I think that most people's beliefs are held because they're comfortable or comforting in some way (yes, I believe that). My belief that the world has always been dangerous and full of predators of all kinds (human and animal) is helpful to me because I can manage my fears better this way. If I honestly believed that the world was getting worse and worse and more and more dangerous, I'd be back to agoraphobic in no time at all. And I really do believe that the world has always sucked, for what it's worth. Until and unless I see really, really good evidence to the contrary, I'll continue to believe it.

This guy, though, believes that humanity was pretty much horrible for all of its existance, then suddenly, for a brief period in the middleof the 20th century, human beings became non-predatory and perfectly nice and reasonable, and then it all went to hell again (I did point that out to him, pretty much just like that, and he then accused me of being left-wing because I "refused" to "see" this as being true, but anyway). What I'm wondering is, how is he comforted or rewarded by believing this? I'm guessing that it's the belief that human harmony was achieved once, things were "under control", etc., and since it happened once (and in living memory), it can happen again, if we all just return to all the values and social repression of that era.

At least, that's my theory. I don't really know why people believe this particular thing. I've seen it before and it always puzzles me. For whatever reason, people want to believe that the 50s was the pinnacle of human achievement and social evolution (we'll just ignore rampant racism, the Cold War, persecution of homosexuals, persecution of "Communists", repression of women, etc.).

Triggered

Very, very triggered at the moment. Dizzy. Heart feels like it's fluttering.

Just encountered one of those naïe people who thinks that the United States is full of free hosptials, medical clinics, food factories, and other such things for the down and out.

Well, having been at the very bottom of the heap, I can tell you, it's not true.

Yes, there are some free clinics, yadda yadda yadda, but it's not widespread, it's very hit or miss as to whether anything like it is available near you, and very often people have needs that cannot be met by charity organizations like of that sort.

I was very seriously ill, unemployed (and unemployable, pretty much), on the verge of homelessness, and up to my eyeballs in medical costs, including an ongoing cost for medication which I had to pay for out of my own very shallow and limited pockets. Sometimes it was a choice of medication or food (I always chose the medication; I can live without food, but I had to have the medication or I'd end up back in the looney bin). There was NO meaningful help available to me. The government (local, state, and federal) pretty much turned its back on me.

It didn't help that my parents did the same thing. My mother told me I should "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" and that if I went into a homeless shelter to be sure and give them the address so they could "keep in touch". That was the extent of their assistance.

When I was at my lowest point, there was very little available to help. It still angers me that people don't seem to think this is a problem in the United States. People lose their jobs and end up homeless, so what? It's their own fault...

I have a lot of issues with this, still.

And I'm so very, VERY grateful that I no longer have to live in the United States, a country where if you're wealthy or have the right kinds of insurance you can have a very good standard of living, but woe to anyone who happens to fall between the cracks, because it's a long way down, and there are very few able or willing to help you back up...

More insomnia

Well, this is nice. I went to bed and three hours later I'm awake. How lovely. This is another form of insomnia that I sometimes get. This happens when I try to force myself to sleep. I wake up at some point for some minor reason (too hot, too cold, need a drink, etc.) and instead of my usual ability to just turn over and go back to sleep, I wake up and that's all she wrote.

This time I got up and made myself some peanut butter on bread. In a minute or two I'll get myself a big drink of water and then I think I'll try going back to sleep. I don't know how successful I'll be at this, mind you, but I think I'll at least try. I've got a headache (as usual) and sleep may help with that. At least if I do get to sleep, I won't be aware of the headache...

Speaking of insomnia, I discovered another major PTSD trigger related to it. Andrew asked the other day why I'd been awake until after sunrise. All I could say was, "I couldn't sleep." The thing is, I wasn't very nice about it, and I got quite bent out of shape over what I felt was an "accusation" (he wasn't actually accusing, just asking).

See, most of my adult life I've had these bouts of insomnia. And most of my adult life I've had people around saying stupid things to me about it. Things like, "Well, if you'd go to bed at a decent hour maybe you'd get more sleep!" or "Of course you can't sleep, you're reading/eating/watching television/whatever."

The thing is, I know perfectly well when I can't sleep. I'm very, very familiar with what it feels like to be unable to sleep. I don't even have to try any more, I already know. There's nothing worse than lying in bed in the dark tossing and turning and tossing and turning and your mind racing with a million thoughts and fears and worries, etc. So I just don't go to bed when I know it's pointless. I read a book, or I work on the computer, or I watch television, or I find something else moderately constructive to do with the time. Eventually, I get tired enough to sleep, and then I go to bed.

You know, telling an insomniac to "just go to bed" is like telling an epileptic to "just stop having seizures".

Feel like hell

I feel really awful. Very stressed. I'm not handling the stress very well, I'm sorry to say. I feel helpless and trapped against a whole bunch of circumstances that are beyond my control, and that's not a good thing.

I can handle and even function well with stress that comes from stuff like deadlines and so on. I can meet a challege, even when there's a lot of pressure involved with it. But when it's just one thing after another after another that I can't control, fight, or change, it makes me angry and depressed, which is not a happy combination.

My sleep cycles are very seriously out of whack. My temper is extremely short. I feel like crying or yelling a lot of the time. I'm starting to get suicidal feelings again (nothing active or direct, just that awful feeling of hopelessness).

The medication may or may not be helping, it's hard to tell. With this much stress and pressure, I don't know that anything would really help much.

Basically, it's all just too much for me to cope with all at once. Zoë having to get a million tests, not known when we'll be able to get her into an early intervention program, all the money we're having to spend out of pocket for all this testing, worrying what's going to happen to her and if she'll continue to be the rather difficult little person she is for the rest of her life, me feeling like I have to be the one who's responsible for everything in the house (because Andrew seems to be physically and psychologically incapable of picking up anything from the floor)...

No one knows how to help, what to say, etc. I suppose I could go talk to a counsellor but what are they going to do? Listen to me list all the things that are bothering me, all the fears that plague me, and why I'm overreacting to some of it? I can do that at home, all by myself, talking to the walls.

I don't know what to do, frankly, or how to proceed. I keep hoping the medication is going to start making a noticible difference (it does take a while before it's fully effective) or that maybe I'll be suddenly run over by a bus or drop dead from an unknown aneurysm of the brain (I know someone who died that way and I always thought it was kinda cool to just suddenly drop dead with no warning).

I haven't felt this damned stressed and depressed for many years, actually. It kinda sucks. No wonder I was always such a horrible person to be around...

Feeling better

Well, the worst of the anxiety seems to have passed. I've mostly come to terms with Zoë's diasbility. I talked to another woman with an austistic daughter whose behavior/habits/etc. sounded exactly like Zoë. That little girl has been getting therapy and is in a special school, and she's now nine and doing extremely well in all regards.

I went through all the classic steps of grief, actually. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Odd how that works, isn't it? It's not just for grief, but for all kinds of traumatic things you have to accept. I went though it for a lot of my own history, too (having to accept certain facts about my life, my childhood, my parents, etc.).

I am taking anti-depressants now, and I don't know if they help or not, but I'm going to keep taking them throughout the winter season (remember, it's autumn here in Australia). Last year my Seasonal Affective Disorder was quite uncomfortable and I don't want to go through that again. With the added stresses, it's just going to get worse, so I'm not taking any chances. If my brain chemistry is that "out of whack", I need to medication to put it right, so there we go (and despite what some people think, anti-depressants are NOT "happy pills").

I'm also taking multi-vitamins (which I try to do but somehow always end up forgetting) and iron supplements, and I'm feeling better physically, as well. I'm close to anemic and I don't eat a lot of red meat, so I really need the iron. I often forget, though, and when I forget for too long, I get very tired and that contributes to my stress levels (harder to cope when you're tired).

You know, I know people mean well, but when they say stupid things like, "Don't stress over it," it kind of annoys me. It implies that I have some sort of choice in the matter, like I can just choose not to have anxiety disorder.

Well, if I could wish it away, I would, believe me. If I could positively envision it gone, I'd do that. I do a lot to try to keep myself on an even plane, and to keep myself emotionally calm and strong. Most of the time I do a pretty good job of it. Sometimes, though, too much hits me at once, or there's just too much stress on a low level for too long and it wears me down.

It's a bit like being in a boat. A slow, quiet leak will sink you, or at least impair your ability to stay afloat. And a tidal wave is surely going to tip you over, or at least make you bail water like crazy for a while.

I've had a slow leak and then a tidal wave, so it's not much of a surprise that I've been unable to keep it all afloat and going in the right direction. Thankfully, I seem to have gotten to a point where I can start getting things back in order again.

I'm a little bitter today, it seems... Remembering too many people who were downright nasty (accusing me of taking "happy pills", for example) or who meant well but had no idea what they were talking about ("Don't strress over it" or "Get a grip on yourself").

Regardless, I AM doing better now, and I expect to continue to improve, although with the days getting shorter all the time, it's going to be a long, probably grumpy winter for me... I like to try to go into autumn in good spirits, but that's not going to happen this year. Ah, well. I can cope. I've done it before. No reason I can't do it now.

Thanks a lot, ya moron

In a digital art forum, someone posted an anti-war post. Attached to the post was an image from some war somewhere in the world (don't know where). In the image was a soldier holding the body of a baby that had been basically decapitated by a bomb or similar destructive force.

There was no warning on the thread. No comment about the violent and graphic image that was about to assault me. I actually get pretty upset by violent images, and I can't stand to have Andrew watch "24" if I'm in the room (I tend to send him to watch it in the other room), because it triggers me big time (the sub-plot in the second season where Kim is being chased by a violently abusive man). WWII documentaries can often set me off (I used to have horrible nightmares about being pursued by Nazis, as a matter of fact). I'm also extremely sensitive to anything involving violence against children.

So you can probably imagine what happened when I innocently opened that thread and was smacked in the face with a terribly violent image. I'm nauseated now, and I'm just pretty upset and horrified. Look, I KNOW that every day children are hurt, mistreated, starving, and otherwise abused. I don't need to see pictures of it, thanks.

The thing is, it was totally and completely inappropriate in a digital art forum, and I was totally off my guard because I surely didn't expect an image like that. Had there been any warning, had I been on a news site or a website about war, I would have been at least somewhat prepared. But it was kind of like stepping out of the shower into a steamy bathrom and finding that, totally without explanation, the floor is covered with tacks.

So, thanks a lot, you moron. I know YOU don't care that I'm upset, and, hey, it's not your problem, but posting crap like that in a forum where it doesn't belong without any warning at all isn't going to win you any converts to your cause.

Massive Anxiety

I haven't been sleeping well at all lately, and tonight it's even worse. I did go to bed and go to sleep around 11 or so, but I woke up around 1 and now it's 4:30 and I'm still awake. The anxiety is absolutely awful.

I'm worried about Zoë. She's got some speech delay, but she's also got some very odd play habits that may indicate a deeper problem, and we can't rule out autism.

This wouldn't bother me that much, to be honest, except that...

Let's see. How can I put this. Hmmm.

I know someone who, although never diagnosed, is a walking textbook example of Asperger's Syndrome, which is a form of autism. He's in his early thirties now, and a fairly pathetic character. He's got no real friends, can't maintain a relationship with a woman, lives alone, has an absolute obsession for a particular subject (I can't say what subject or I'd give away who I'm talking about), and often bores people to death. He's also got a history of being extremely hurtful, mostly because he just can't figure out that people have actual feelings (he doesn't get that at all). In short, he's a complete dork, and even his own siblings don't like him very much. (I've known him for a long time, by the way, which is how I know so much about his behavior, but I only stumbled on the Asperger's Syndrome recently and recognized him in the descriptions.)

The thought that keeps driving me crazy is that my precious Zoë is going to end up like him, a pathetic dweeb with no life who can't maintain a relationship.

I know this is irrational. She most certainly does NOT have Asperger's Syndrome, and with early intervention and therapy, there can be tremendous improvement with developmental disorders, even to the point of creating "normal" behavior. I do know this.

But it doesn't stop me from being frightened. It doesn't stop me from worrying that Zoë might miss out on a meaningful relationship with her sister, or that she'll miss out on a lot growing up because she just can't relate to other people. I'm afraid for her, and I'm absolutely terrified that she's going to end up like the person I described.

Does it make sense? No. Does panic/anxiety ever make sense? Not really. How long will this last? I don't know. I've been highly anxious for a week, and extremely anxious today. My stomach hurts and I'm nauseaus, I have no appetite (although I'm craving chocolate), I can't sleep, and I'm quite irritable from lack of sleep and from the stress. I won't be too surprised if my hair starts falling out.

I suspect now that the dream I had about "losing" Zoë in a catastrophe had to do with her developmental delay...

Very Triggered

I was watching the opening episode of the second series of "24". Bad idea. Severely triggered now. It's got a scene with an abusive husband/father and I had to stop watching at the point where he flung his pre-teen daughter to the ground and she struck her head, after he'd just beaten his wife, the child's mother.

Too intense. I'm not, by the way, implying that my father beat my mother, because he didn't, but the whole dysfunctional, violent familiy thing was way, way too familiar and the child screaming and sobbing and trying desperately to hide from her abuser was extremely upsetting.

I'm nauseaus now, and my stomach hurts. I used to have a big problem with having a nervous stomach, but it hasn't bothered me much for a long, long time (basically, as soon as I moved away from my parents' house the condition improved, imagine that). When I get really triggered though, it comes back. I've got a terrible stomach ache now, and I feel very hunted. I know I'm safe, but it still comes back to me, washes over me, colors my perception of everything. Right now, despite the fact that I know I'm an adult on a continent on the opposite side of the world from my parents and my abusive ex, I feel very like a frightened, confused little girl who just wants to go crawl into some dark, hidden place and stay there until the storm passes.

Andrew went to watch the show in the other room so that I can calm down and let the flashback pass. I've got "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" on now. That's pretty safe, you've got to admit...

Feel really wretched

Got into a big argument with Andrew yesterday, and I'm still angry and hurt. We don't argue often. Well, we bicker a lot over silly things, but we know they're silly and it's a form of communication for us. He grew up the second of three brothers and I came from a dysfunctional family where argument was as common as conversation, so you can see how this kind of lively and sometimes heated discussion would come naturally to us.

The only time we REALLY fight is when Andrew pulls one of his ultra-procrastination acts. He's a pretty good guy, and I love him, but he procrastinates and it drives me and everyone else who knows him absolutely crazy. He disrupts his own life with it, and he sometimes disrupts other people's lives. It's particularly hard on me because it's hard enough for me to ask for help or for favor or whatever, and then when he says he'll do something and doesn't, it drives me crazy. I can take the occasional "Oops, I forgot," type of thing, no problem. I don't even worry about the small stuff. But when he consistently "forgets" to do really important things and it negatively affects me and the kids, I get very upset about it.

When I was a kid, I was always made to feel like I was the biggest pain in the world beause I asked for things, I needed things. I am naturally independent, but I became more so, to the point where I would NEVER ask for help, assistance, favors, anything. I wouldn't say I was self-sufficient, because despite the fact that I wouldn't ask for help, I frequently was clueless and unable to do stuff on my own. I did, however, learn how to do it myself or do without it.

Having to ask for help still wrankles me, still bothers and upsets me on some level. Asking for help or a favor or action from someone I love and trust and having that person let me down (real or imagined) is like a knife in my chest, and while that sounds dramatic, that's pretty much what it feels like.

So I'm feeling very off-balance today, and very upset and very angry.

Horribly triggered

I just saw some footage of a horrible woman in Indiana who beat her four-year-old daughter in a parking lot. It was captured on surveillance video. Police are looking for the woman and the child, partly because they fear for the child and think she may need medical attention (that's how awful the beating was).

The poor little girl was shaken, slapped, punched... it was awful. I'm sick to my stomach and I've been crying. What an evil, horrible woman, and my heart just breaks for that sweet little girl who can't defend herself.

Police have talked to the woman's family and think the family are actually HIDING her! What kind of evil people would protect a woman who would do that to a little child? It just turns my stomach. They saw the video and they know what this beast did to her child, they know the child may need medical attention, and they do NOTHING. They stonewall the police.

I just feel sick. I'm so triggered. I'm just so upset right now. I hope that woman is found and convicted of the felony assault with which the police want to charge her, and I hope and pray that poor little girl gets a family who actually LOVE her and will take good care of her.

I have GOT to get over this

My rejection complex is driving me crazy today (now there's a strange combination of terms). My "need" to be accepted by what I perceive to be a desirable group, a clique, whatever. It has plagued me all my life, and today, for reasons I won't even bother to get into, it's bugging me.

The thing is, what usually happens is I set a goal of being "accepted" into or by said group and then work really hard toward that and get terribly upset when I'm not accepted, and then momentarily elated when accepted and then... it sort of wears off and I feel like "Well, that wasn't such a big deal."

Why do I do this? I mean, I get the "need to be accepted thing". I spent my life being rejected by various groups and persons (I've always been an outsider), and something like that stays with you. The thing that gets me is that I still CARE. I'm actually fairly unsociable, and I don't really like people all that much (I like individual persons, but not "people"). So why do I give a damn if some clique or group or club or webring or whatever accepts me? I shouldn't care. And generally I don't care... once I'm accepted (oh, I participate and all that, it's not like a "trophy" or anything; if I apply to join, I contribute), I always kinda think, "Why was I so worked up?"

So right now I'm worked up about something. I have NO idea why. It's not like it's going to make any difference at all in my life. My acceptance or rejection by said group is going to amount to practically nothing in the overall scheme of my life and the universe. And I really, REALLY need to get over this drive to be "accepted", especially when I know it's not very important and when I know that even if I did get accepted, it would end up feeling like "no big deal" to me.

Some days I just feel so completely damaged. Right now I feel like no matter what I do, I'm always going to be warped in painful ways. I feel all twisted and screwed up, because I know in my head that what I feel in my heart is entirely wrong and based on pain and fear and shame, and not on reality, but I can't stop feeling it.

I've often thought that the way to fix this is to just stop trying to be accepted. In fact, I've mostly adopted that position for most things. It's only recently in my life that I've actually put in the effort to be accepted or to be part of a group. Rejection is too painful. Easier to never apply.

Right now, I'm pretty dejected. Not because I wasn't accepted (honestly, it's not something that's going to make or break me, and probably wouldn't have altered my life or status in any way), but because I see once again how incredibly screwed up and twisted I still am. *sigh*

Dentaphobia

I have a long history of panic attacks when I have to visit the dentist. I don't know why this is, really. I can't recall ever having a particularly traumatic experience at a dentist. In fact, I don't think I ever went to a dentist at all until I was about twelve.

When I was fourteen and we moved to a new state, I seem to recall they had medical requirements for new students enrolling and I had to go to the dentist again. That time I had fourteen cavities that needed to be filled, but even then, I don't have any traumatic memories of it.

I don't know why I never saw a dentist as a child. I think maybe my mother is/was afraid of dentists and so never made me go. I don't really know, though, and I'm not too worried about it (no, I'm not blaming my parents for anything in this regard).

Basically, I hate sitting in that chair while someone scrapes, pokes, and stabs my very sensitive teeth with sharp, shiny tools. I always end up with my mouth bleeding all over the place and pain for days afterward, no matter how gentle they try to be. I get really, really anxious in the chair, and leave feeling exhausted from having been so tense the whole time. Sometimes I actually have full-fledged panic attacks. It's all quite unpleasant, and I, in true anxiety disorder fashion, have made a practice of avoiding the situation.

Well, I can't do that any more. I've got a wisdom tooth that has caused me considerable pain for years. Most of the time it's all right, but now and then it gets infected (I think it may have a recurring abcess) and it's intensely painful. I also have moderate to severe gum disease, and several cavities, some of which are so pronounced I can actually see them. The wisdom tooth is currently infected, although I'm on antibiotics now and it's slowly clearing up.

My doctor has given me a prescription for Valium, of all things, to help with the anxiety related to going to the dentist. I've never taken Valium in my life, and I'm very aware that it can be highly addictive, so you can bet I'll be careful with it. And normally, I'm not inclined to resort to drugs when I can just learn coping techniques or other means of handling things (I'd be doped up constantly if I had to rely on drugs to control my anxiety!). But given the fact that I really, truly need to get to the dentist and I haven't (yet) managed to develop good coping techniques for handling the dentaphobia, I think I'm just going to have to take the Valium before a dental appointment and work on other means of coping as time goes by. I'm certainly going to have enough dental appointments in my future for me to practice new coping techniques.

I think of the Valium as "training wheels" or "water wings" to use while I learn how to handle myself. As soon as I can do without it, I certainly will, but for now, I'm going to accept that I need some chemical help with this particular phobia.

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