My Issues

I should note that I saw counsellors, psychologists, doctors, and psychiatrists of various sorts for years. I never got any valid help until I was in my middle twenties and my doctor diagnosed clinical depression. I further had to have a breakdown before I got appropriate medication to stablize my moods, and I had to try many times to get a counsellor who actually helped me and taught me how to cope with and manage my various issues and problems.

Much of my healing was accomplished all on my own, by reading and online interaction with other abuse survivors.

Clinical Depression

No longer an issue, other than Seasonal Affective Disorder.

This runs in my family in a big way. My mother had it, her mother had it (and self-medicated with alcohol). I had it from the time I was quite young, although it wasn't diagnosed until I was in my mid-twenties. I've been on medications off an on to treat it, but once I got rid of the rage, despair, pain, and other emotional poison I had in my soul, the depression was a non-issue. Well, other than the fact that I do get Seasonal Affective Disorder in the winter when the days are short. In recent years I've gone on a regimine of anti-depressants from about autumn equinox through early summer so that I don't totally lose the plot for the few weeks surrounding winter solstice.

Bipolar Disorder (manic-depression)

No longer an issue.

I had manic episodes off and on since adolescence, but it was undiagnosed until I was hospitalized in a very severe and noticible manic state in late 1996. At first, I didn't believe I had manic episodes, but the more research I did, the more I realized I did have them. It was not a predictable pattern, and I rarely became outright manic, having instead what are known as "hypomanic" states where I was just giddy and high as a kite and people thought I drank too much caffeine.

As I refused to take lithium (for many reasons), my psychiatrist put me on Tegratol to treat my mood swings. I was on the medication for a little over a year, and then went off it on my doctor's advice. That was in April 1998, and I haven't had to take any mood swing meds since. Another psychiatrist I saw for an assessment told me that the mood swings were probably more related to the stress and abuse issues than to a biological malfunction, and that's as good a way to explain it as any other.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Still an issue, largely under control and well-managed now.

I've always had PTSD. For as long as I can remember, I've lived with the symptoms of it, most notably nightmares and hypervigilance (i.e., being very easily startled and extremely jumpy). It wasn't diagnosed properly until I was in my thirties. I have never taken medication for the PTSD symptoms, but rather have learned coping techniques such as relaxation, focus of attention, and so forth. I used to get flashbacks that were so severe they'd completely take over my mood/perspective, sometimes for days. These days, I only infrequently have flashbacks, but when I do, they're far less severe than they once were. To say the least, I've had lots of improvement in this area. The biggest help here, I think, is being able to recognize things that are likely to "trigger" a flashback and taking the steps necessary to keep myself centered and balanced.

Panic/Anxiety Disorder

Still an issue, largely under control and well-managed now.

Still have this one, but it's not too bad most of the time. I still get periods of anxiety when I can't sleep and I'm jumpy and restless, and as of this writing, I still haven't got any really good ways of coping with that, other than to just wait for it to pass. The panic attacks are minimal now. I still have them rarely, but I've learned how to stop them before they start by recognizing the pre-panic signs and deliberately working on controlling my reactions. (Big change over having multiple severe and debilitating panic attacks per week, sometimes more than one per day!)

Agoraphobia

No longer an issue, although occasional lingering traces can be seen now and then.

There was a time when I was literally unable to leave my own apartment by myself. This is pretty crippling, to say the least. I took to washing out my clothes by hand in the tub or sink since I couldn't manage to get to the laundry facilities in the basement, and I took out the trash only when I had someone to accompany me to the dumptster. Yes, it was as awful as it sounds. No, it's not a problem any more, although I still see occasional touches of it when I'm feeling off-balance.

Dissociation Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS)

No longer an issue.

For years, unbeknownst to me, I had a form of chronic mid-conintuum dissociation. I won't give all the details because I don't think it's necessary, but trust me when I say I had a pretty peculiar perspective on myself and the world. People who knew me a long time were not really surprised to hear about this diagnosis, and more than one said, "Ah, that explains a lot!"

For example, I could say something and then, ten minutes later, contradict myself and I never even realized I was doing it, because my perspective had changed so drastically, and I had such effective walls of dissociation built that I didn't even know I'd just said the exact opposite. I also would tell someone something and then later deny having told them, not because I was lying but because I was more or less unaware that I had (hard to explain, but that's the way it worked). Pretty frustrating for people to deal with, to say the least. Pretty difficult for me, too. Surprisingly, this particular problem was the easiest to break down and get past, once I realized it was there and started working through it.

I still have a somewhat odd self-perception, for what it's worth, and I still have strong dissociative ability, but I don't have a disorder any more. Dissociation in and of itself isn't a problem, so long as it doesn't interfere with a person's ability to function healthily.

Histrionic Personality Disorder

Bad diagnosis, was never truly an issue.

I can be somewhat histrionic, certainly. But this was one of those diagnoses that was off-the-cuff and quite wrong. Being dramatic and emotional is not the same as having a personality disorder. I don't have HPD. I don't even fit the criteria, other than on a couple of points and on a very shallow, surface level.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Bad diagnosis.

Well, frankly, I think that BPD is a stupid label to begin with. This is just my personal take on it, but "BPD" doesn't really mean anything, and it doesn't describe a measurable illness, but just a collection of symptoms, almost all of which are things most victims of childhood abuse have. I think it's a garbage "catch all" diagnosis for lazy psychologists/psychiatrists to describe a certain kind of angry, emotional, damaged person with certain kinds of issues (I love this quote from the Secret Shame website: "Patients with this diagnosis are frequently treated as outcasts by psychiatrists; Herman (1992) tells of a psychiatric resident who asked his supervising therapist how to treat borderlines was told, "You refer them." Miller (1994) notes that those diagnosed as borderline are often seen as being responsible for their own pain, more so than patients in any other diagnostic category. BPD diagnoses are sometimes used as a way to "flag" certain patients, to indicate to future care givers that someone is difficult or a troublemaker. I sometimes used to think of BPD as standing for "Bitch Pissed Doc.").

Furthermore, according the "bible" of American psychiatry, the DSM-IV, "Adolescents and young adults with identity problems (especially when accompanied by substance abuse) may transiently display behaviors that misleadingly give the impression of Borderline Personality Disorder." So if you look too much like a troublesome, troubled person with identity issues, you may get the label put on you and may or may not get further diagnoses or help for other issues/problems, if the Borderline diagnosis/tag/label gets put there first.

So, yes, I did fit the profile of BPD, at least some of the time. I also fit the profile for Bipolar Disorder, for Dissociation Disorder, for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, for Panic/Anxiety Disorder, and it was THOSE things for which I was treated and from which I recovered. When those were under control, the symptoms of "Borderline Personality Disorder" miraculously went away, too...