Cats Run the Universe
Greetings, mortals. I, Missycat, Cat Empress of the Universe, welcome you to my domain. I assume that you're human. We cats may run the universe, and we are very interested in mice, but we're not very good at "left clicking", so generally I have to assume that if you're reading this page, you're a human. Besides, everyone knows that cats read with their bottoms. Didn't you ever wonder why we like to sit on newspapers and whatever else you might be reading?
I, of course, didn't type this page. My primary person, Bonni, typed it for me, while I supervised from the back of the couch. I am more than capable of sitting on the keyboard and making these funny letter things appear on the screen, but I find it undignified in the extreme and even though we cats read with our bottoms, we don't type with them. And besides, what else are humans for if not to do the bidding of cats?
It is a little-recognized fact that cats run the universe. It's something of a collective effort, and it's very hard work, which is why cats sleep so much. Humans, being none too bright (although I will admit that having an opposable thumb appears to be extremely useful), seem to be somewhat confused on the true nature of the universe. I, Cat Empress of the Universe, being benevolent and merciful, have decided to enlighten you on some of the mysteries of life which appear to have eluded you.
The Nature of the Universe
The universe is, in fact, defined by whatever you can see at that particular moment. Therefore, the universe is not constant. If you feel very like ruling, simply climb up to the highest place available and observe, and rule everything you see. This principle is very useful for times when you might feel tired of the demands of running the universe, because if you simply find a small, dark hidey-hole and go into it, the universe (and therefore that for which one is responsible) immediately decreases and you can have a nap. Very young humans understand this principle, particularly the part about how anything you can see is yours, but for some reason as you get older you misplace this basic truth.
Cause and Effect
The best way to get something accomplished is to stare at the object of your desire. If, for example, you want a door open, simply sit next to it and stare intently at the handle. In due time, someone will come along and turn the handle for you and open the door. This stare technique works with all manner of things, including food, water (particularly the tap in the bathtub), catnip, and anything else you desire. Humans, please note that you should never close a door for any reason or under any circumstances. I just thought I'd mention it, as you seem to forget this all the time.
Feline Relations
We like you. You're tall and you can reach the cupboards and get food out of them. You have thumbs, and know how to use a can opener. You eat interesting food which we cats may not like, but which we have the sovereign right to inspect. You have fun things to play with, like jewelry and shoelaces. But please don't get the impression that cats are your friends. Dogs are your friends. Cats are the rulers of the universe. Please remember this at all times.
Supervising
Supervising is a cat's sovereign, solemn duty. It's part of how we run the universe. You humans seem to misunderstand this. When we run between your feet in a figure eight pattern, we are supervising you as you carry in the groceries. When we leap onto your lap as you knit, it's because we thought you needed some supervision (and because yarn is amusing). When a cat sits in the bathroom and stares at you as you do that thing you do (where do you keep your litterbox, anyway?), we are merely doing our duty and providing you with the proper supervision of a superior being. Please refrain from calling us nosy or, heaven forbid, nuisances.
The Necessity of Cat Hair
When you bring in clean laundry, it is a cat's duty to put some of the sacred essence of felinity on it, that is, hair. How sad for the human whose garments lack the sign that they are in the good graces of a cat! How pitiful for a human to go forth into the world covered only in those things you call "clothes" and your own pitiful fur, bereft of the glory that is cat hair. Hence, cats thoughtfully and kindly make sure you have plenty of their hair for your use. You should appreciate this fact, and rejoice in the fact that a cat bestowed upon you this gift.
The Law of Selective Cat Gravity
This little-known universal principle enables your cat to weigh at least ten times what s/he should when s/he wakes you up by walking on you, or when they honor you by falling asleep on you.
Cats can also reverse the effects of gravity, such as when making a mighty leap across vast spaces that you humans would never expect us to be able to jump, or when we jump down from a high place and land oh-so delicately. So, now you know how this is accomplished, so you can stop acting so surprised by it, all right?
Meditation
Many more are the mysteries of the universe, and we cats contemplate and exercise them every day. When you come upon your cat, deep in meditation, staring thoughtfully at something that you can't see, just remember that your cat is, in fact, running the universe. Please honor and respect this awesome task, and remember that in ancient Egypt, one of the most elegant and earliest refined human civilizations, cats were revered as sacred.
Those Egyptians had it right.
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