Occasionally I get mail from people whose email system (usually work, but sometimes universities) automatically appends a little stern warning to the mail. I've posted a couple of those here, when I find them amusing. I just got this one and thought I'd pass it on. Note that the email and any attachment (which was an invitation to a party) have been kept private as demanded by the notice.

It's also important to note that email IS NOT PRIVATE. Anyone on any relay between the sender and the recipient can read the mail. It's super easy to hack mail, to put a sniffer on a port, and various other means of snooping. Putting a "you must keep this confidential" disclaimer on email is like putting one on a post card stating that anyone reading the post card is obligated to keep it private!

Anyway, on with the notice, which I found particularly obtuse and laughable:

YOU MUST READ THIS NOTICE

This email has been sent by Charles Sturt University (ABN 83 878 708 551). This email (and any attachment) is confidential and is intended for the use of the addressee(s) only. If you are not the intended recipient of this email you must not copy, distribute, take any action in reliance on it or disclose it to anyone. Any confidentiality is not waived or lost by reason of mistaken delivery to you. The views expressed in this email are not necessarily those of Charles Sturt University. It is very important that before opening any attachments to this email you check them for viruses and defects. CSU does not accept liability for any corruption or viruses or any consequence which arise as a result of this email transmission. Email communications with CSU may be subject to automated email filtering, which could result in the delay or deletion of a legitimate email before it is read by its intended recipient at CSU. Please tell us if you have concerns about this automatic filtering. The Commonwealth Register of Institutions and Courses for Overseas Students (CRICOS) Provider Number is 00005F (NSW), 025973E (QLD), and 01947G (VIC) for Charles Sturt University.

So I took an online test to see how geeky you are or if you're really right on in to the Asperger Syndrome range.

No surprise here. I'm very geeky (scored 26), but I'm not an Aspie. I suspect the test score is variable, though, as sometimes I would say that I like social chit-chat and some days I would say that I don't, depending on how solitary I feel that day. I was also unbelievably socially awkward as a child, totally unable to read other people or social situations. I appear to have outgrown some of that (you can outgrow autism traits, or at least learn how to compensate for them), plus I did a long observational analysis of social situations and figured out some key factors and put them into practice. Told you I was geeky.

I find that amusing. In actuality, I can swear quite fluently, and sometimes in languages other than my own. I did grow up a military brat, after all, and I was married to a trucker... Anyway, I quite deliberately keep this website reasonably free of strong, potentially offensive language, just because I choose to do it that way. Trust me, though, I can make a Marine blush. (I've done it.)

Yes, I still have a non-regional North American accent, despite many years living in Australia. I don't think my accent is ever going to go away. Instead, my Australian husband, who has spent exactly one week of his entire life in the United States (at a PERL conference) but who has spent several years talking to me every day, is apparently picking one up (neither of us hear it, but strangers often comment on it).

My evil plan is working.

Please help! After two long years of being on a waiting list for a dog, we have been notified by breed rescue that, at long last, our number has come up and ... WE ARE HAVING A PUPPY!

We must get rid of our children IMMEDIATELY because we just know how time consuming our new little puppy is going to be and it just wouldn't be fair to the children. Since our little puppy will be arriving on Monday we MUST place the children up for adoption this weekend!

They are described as:

One male -- his name is Tommy, Caucasian (English/Irish mix), light blonde hair, blue eyes. Four years old. Excellent disposition. He doesn't bite. Temperament tested. Has had Chicken Pox and is current on all shots.

One female -- her name is Lexie, Caucasian (English/Irish mix), strawberry blonde hair, green eyes quite freckled. Two years old. Can be surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Has been temperament tested but needs a little attitude adjusting occasionally. She is current on all shots, would do best in a one child household.

We really do LOVE our children so much and want to do what's right for them. But we simply can no longer keep them. Also, we are afraid that they may hurt our new puppy. I hope you understand that ours is a UNIQUE situation and we have a real emergency here! They MUST be placed into your rescue by Sunday night at the latest or we will be forced to drop them off at the orphanage or along some dark, country road. Our priority now has to be our new puppy.

We may need to place the childrens sire as well if he does not bond well with the puppy. He is older but well trained and can be quite affectionate.

When I was a teenager, I pretty much always had older boyfriends.There seems to be a perception going around these days that any man over the age of eighteen who fancies a girl of sixteen or seventeen is some sort of pervert. Like, automatically. Look at a girl who isn't eighteen, you're disgusting. The moment she turns eighteen, well, lust away...

Anyway, I preferred older boyfriends because I didn't usually like boys my own age. I found them insipid, for the most part, and wholly unappealing. Okay, I did have the occasional crush on someone roughly my own age, but those crushes were uncommon, and I didn't pursue them. Who the hell wants to go out with an adolescent boy? Oh, yeah, I did date one guy who was close to my age (just a couple years older, but we went to school together), but he was queer, so it probably doesn't count (he used to take me to The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and he dressed up as Dr Frank N. Furter, corset, fishnet stockings, platform shoes, and all).

Where was I? Oh, yes. Older boyfriends. I liked them because they had several things that boys my own age mostly didn't have: money, education, a car, life skills, a life that didn't depend on the ridiculousness that was high school...

Interestingly, the older I got, the younger my men got. I went from "a few years older than me" to "a few years younger than me" to "rather more than a few years younger than me". Andrew, in fact, is nine years younger than I am. (I'm going to keep him, though.)

My sister-in-law, Robyn, is a year older than I am, and her husband, Andrew's brother, is twelve years younger than me. Yeah, she's doing a Demi...

Anyway. I'm just saying.

This comic made me literally laugh out loud (and I am using the word "literally" correctly, by the way).

First, a bit of explanation, in case you're not up on the latest internet memes:

Lolsecretz is the meeting of two of the internet's most famous memes– anonymous confessions a la PostSecret (the blog where people anonymously confess their deepest darkest secrets) crossed with Lolcat Macros (the phenomenon where people ascribe poorly spelled human emotions to animals). Lolsecretz is satire. Enjoy!

I've been reading PostSecret for some time now (thanks for the tip, you know who you are), and Andrew, for some weird reason, really got into the whole Lolcat thing, and he sort of turned me on to it. He's done a bunch of LOLCat things, but they're mostly geeky and most people wouldn't get them (although this one is kinda funny). I have likewise been reading Lolsecretz for some time. (RSS feeds are soooo wonderful; I highly recommend Google Reader for what it's worth.)

Anyway, the other day, I finally managed to capture a picture that I thought was suitable for use as a LOLSecret, and it's been published. W00t! (And that's a real word now, I'll have you know.) The cat, by the way, is Miffy, short for Mephistopholes (yes, the name of the devil). She is the cranky old lady cat who owns my in-laws (or maybe she pwns them, you can never quite tell with cats).

This guy's sitting on an airplane and the old man next to him pulls out a giant, leatherbound King James Version Scofield Reference Guide Study Bible. Guy says, "Wow, that's a huge Bible, I take it you're a Christian, too?"

Old man says, "I am a Southern Baptist. What are you?"

Guy says, "United Methodist."

"I see," the old man says disdainfully, wrinkling his nose.

"What?" the guy says, "You think only Baptists are going to Heaven?"

"No, of course not," the old man says. "Not all Baptists."

Andrew and I have these weird little geeky brain games that we play. For example, we'll try to think of as many songs as we can that have a colour in the title. It doesn't have to be a colour, though. We've done all kinds of stuff. Place names, women's names, men's names, animals, you name it. There are no "winners" in that game, by the way. It's just a fun little way to get some mind exercise, which is something we're very big on in our household.

We also play games like, "What's the world's most famous dog?" or similar. Our latest was "What's the world's most famous street?" We had some good suggestions. Wall Street, Fleet Street, Broadway, Sunset Boulevard, Champs Elysées. But I think the most famous street in the world (and certainly the most famous zebra crossing!) is Abbey Road.

Next time I'm in London, I'm going to make a point of going there, as a matter of fact, and - wait for it - crossing the street! (Along with all the other tourists, of course.) And what the heck, I might walk a couple blocks to Cavendish Avenue and look at the gates of Paul McCartney's house, too, although Cavendish Avenue is probably only famous to Beatles fans and the paparazzi.

And now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to be in an octopus's garden in shade. He'd let us in, knows where we've been, in his octopus' garden in the shade...

Taking pictures of Superman is way fun!

Throwing paper airplanes was never this fun or this addictive! Hint: Be sure to read the tips that come up! Also note that the music and other sounds can be quite annoying. You can turn it off, though (lower right hand corner). I know I certainly did.

There's been a lot going around about how the smiley emoticon (you know, this guy: :-) ) is having a 25th anniversary (or birthday, maybe). Well, according to Snopes, that's not the full story.

From the Snopes article:

Professor Fahlman may have been the first person to use a smiley online, and he may even have invented the form of emoticon meant to be read with one's head tilted to the left (to better see the representation of a face in what would otherwise look like something that came out of the typewriter when the cat ran across the keys: a colon, dash, and parenthesis that form the eyes, nose, and mouth respectively). Additional text smileys, indeed the veritable explosion of them, appear to be little more than refinements on Fahlman's three-character :-) model.
 
However, all that said, neither the basic idea nor the first use of an emoticon originated with Fahlman, as this sighting from the May 1967 issue of Reader's Digest demonstrates [...]

A cabbie picks up a fare, a nun, near Kings Cross in Sydney. The nun gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring at her.

He replies, 'I have a question but I don't what to offend you'.

The nun answers: 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

The nun responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that. First, though, you have to be single and secondly, you must be a Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says: 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'Okay, then', the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a whore blush. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

''Forgive me, sister! I lied to you! I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun answers, 'That's okay. My name is actually Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

Yes, it's that time of year again, International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Arrgh!

To get you in the mood, I suggest that you check out some or all of the videos posted on YouTube by OfficialWench. Arrgh!

And then, a special treat! George Harrison (my favourite Beatle, in case you haven't been paying attention) on Eric Idle's Rutland Weekend Television, wanting to be a pirate! Arrgh! (Keep watching, the punchline is at the end and it's pretty funny; I never hear My Sweet Lord any more without thinking of this joke!)

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence.""

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle, "Well . . . ?"

She replies, "Actually, my son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hardbodied, well hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God . . . ."

Ever wondered what cats do when listening to music?

A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in Chinatown He notices a small bronze statue of a rat, and is very taken with it for some reason, and feels extremely drawn to it.

He asks the owner, "How much?" and the owner replies "Fifty dollars for the bronze rat, and $1000 for the story behind it".

The guy says, "Forget the story," and buys the rat and leaves the shop.

As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him. As he continues to walk, more rats start following him. He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats following him.

He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown.

The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so you're back for the story!"

The guys says, "No, I was just wondering if you have any bronze lawyers?"

Have you ever REALLY read the Microsoft License Agreement? Hmmm...

Just got an email with this subject line: Andrew Bromage said you two are married...

It was from the Facebook system, and wanted confirmation of the relationship for social networking purposes. My thoughts went like this, though:

Andrew Bromage said you two are married...

I should slap him for spreading rumours like that...

Generally, I don't particularly care for skinny men. I don't normally find them attractive. I like big guys (hey, I'm a big girl, okay?).

But for David Tennant, I'll make an exception...

I'm burning patchouli incense. Haven't smelled it for years and years. Wow. I just want to wear tie dye and leather fringe and maybe do macramé. Far out.

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

"Ah..." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."

"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children."

"No," the woman said with a smirk, "that's what YOU think!"

The priest entered his donkey in a race and it won. The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:

PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is: being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery even shorten your life.

So be yourself, enjoy your life, and stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

1. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

2. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

3. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.

4. The most important things in your home are the people.

5. Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.

6. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.

7. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

8. He who dies with the most toys is still dead. Life is not about toys, but about what we do for others.

9. We do not remember days, but moments. Life moves too fast, so enjoy your precious moments.

10. Nothing is real to you until you experience it, otherwise it's just hearsay.

11. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. The goals and dreams you're seeking require courage and risk-taking. Learn from the turtle -- it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.

12. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more.. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them, and they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

Thus did Adam and Eve learned humility, and they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't care way or the other.

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what coulf be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs...phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you kon't know them. "I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks dow the drive. I think deep down I just didn;t want to know the truth, but last night she went out and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my BMW R1150 GS motor cycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, I noticed the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!"

My husband has the body of a god.... Buddha.

A man wants to buy a horse. So he goes to the horse store, and after browsing for a while, he finds one that he likes. “I'll take that one,” he says to the owner.

The owner frowns. “Well, I'm afraid that horse has a problem. You see, he likes to sit on grapefruit.”

The man gives him a funny look. “Grapefruit?”

“Afraid so. Anytime he sees a grapefruit he goes crazy and just sits down right on it. It's impossible to move him when he gets like that.”

The man thinks for a minute and says, “I really don't think that will be a problem. I don't eat grapefruit myself and I never have it around the farm. So I think I'll just take that horse anyway.”

The man pays for the horse and rides out of the store. On the ride home he comes across a shallow river. Halfway across, the horse lets out a terrific whinny and sits down right in the water. The horse won't budge. Finally, in desperation, the man levaes the horse and returns to the store.

Furious, the man says to the previous owner, “That horse you sold me has a problem!”

“I told you! He likes to sit on grapefruit!”

“But he sat down in the middle of the river! There wasn't a grapefruit in sight!”

The previous owner slapped his forehead.

Continue reading "A peculiar joke"…

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to former Texas Governor, George W. Bush and his elevation to the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a post turtle.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he hasn't a clue as to what to do while he's up there, and you just want to get the dumbsh!t down."

If only sorting socks was this much fun for real!

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity.

"You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "All right, which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.

Continue reading "Mmmm, cow-orkers"…

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver,managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked.

The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid all around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate one-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"

"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.

Continue reading "A desert island joke, woohoo"…

An elderly couple are sitting at home watching television and enjoying a cup of tea. After a while, the man gets up to take his empty cup to the kitchen.

"Would you get me a bowl of ice cream while you're up?" the woman asks.

"Yes, okay. Ice cream," he nods.

"With strawberries. Should I write it down for you?"

"No, no, I can remember. Ice cream with strawberries."

"And cream. Ice cream with strawberries and cream. Should I write it down? You won't forget?"

"I won't forget. Ice cream with strawberries and cream. It's fine. You don't need to write it down," he assures his wife.

The man goes to the kitchen and is there for some time. Eventually, he comes out carrying a plate of bacon and eggs. The woman looks at the plate and frowns.

Continue reading "Senior Moments"…

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.

The redhead sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

Continue reading "A blonde and a redhead...."…

Q: What's the difference between a wallaby and a kangaroo?

Continue reading "A joke for Aussies"…

Apologies to the non-computer-geeks… (those familiar with Unix will find it hilarious, though)

I found this extremely amusing and very cleverly done. WARNING: Has some (sort of) nudity and (strange and cartoony) violence in a very Pythonesque (well, Gilliamesque, to be precise) way.

This made me laugh right out loud...

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"

Mabel pulled it out and stared at it thoughtfully for a while. Then she said...

Continue reading "Just a slightly rude (but not dirty) joke"…

Nobody ever tags me with these things, but that's okay. I'll steal 'em when I find 'em interesting. Heh.

One book that changed my life

Okay, this is corny, corny, corny, but the Bible. And it changed my life only when I actually sat down and read it for myself, and stopped paying attention to what other people claimed was in it, what they claimed it meant, etc. There's a great deal of incredibly interesting stuff in there, and they just don't tell you about it in organized churches (at least, none of the churches I ever went to).

One book that you’ve read more than once

Jude Devereaux, A Knight in Shining Armor. Best time-travel romance novel EVER. Fantastic characters, the story is perfect, the research is fantastic, and you're really transported by it. I recommend it to anyone and everyone, even people who don't think they like romance novels. It's a great story.

One book you’d want on a desert island

Well... probably the Bible, but that's actually cheating because it's a whole bunch of books (and letters). But it's very lengthy and you could read it for the whole of your life and always keep finding interesting stuff in it. Then again, this is also true of, say, the Encylopedia Brittanica.

One book that made you laugh

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

One book that made you cry

Little Women

One book you wish you had written

A Knight in Shining Armor (or I'd like to be able to write books that are that good, anyway)

One book you wish had never been written

Dare I type it? The world could have done without The Da Vinci Code (although I admit, I did very much enjoy Angels and Demons by the same author).

One book you’re currently reading

Not reading anything just at this precise moment, but I did just finish The Devil Wears Prada.

One book you’ve been meaning to read

*groan* I've got a lot of books I've been meaning to read, unfortunately. But to pick just one.... A Woman of Substance by Barbara Taylor Bradford.

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I have kidnapped
your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde"

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Continue reading "Financial Troubles"…

Regular readers (that'd be, like, two or three people, right? I'm under no illusions here...) will know I'm a bit of a Green Day fan. They'll also know I'm definitely a fan of parody and satire. And of blogging.

Imagine, then, my delight to come across a parody of Green Day that's about blogging with no readers! My new anthem! Woohoo!

Well, okay, maybe not an anthem, but still extremely amusing. Listen to I Blog Alone (MP3) for yourself. Perhaps you'll find it as amusing as I did.

(For your reading convienience, the lyrics:)

Continue reading "I Blog Alone"…

John Howard calls Peter Costello into his office. "Peter, I have a great idea! We're going out to win the country voters."

"Good idea PM," says Peter. "How will we go about it?"

"Well," says Howard, "We'll get ourselves one of those Driza-Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, an Akubra hat - oh, and a cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go out to the bush and win them over."

A few days later, all kitted out and with their blue heeler, they set off from Canberra and go west. Eventually they arrive at an outback pub. They walk in with their dog and up to the bar.

John and Pete lean comfortably on the bar drinking beers and chatting, and nodding now and then to people coming in for a drink. The dog lies quietly at their feet.

Suddenly, the door from the adjacent bar swings open and in comes a grizzled, bow-legged old stockman - complete with stockwhip. He walks up to the Blue Heeler, lifts it's tail with the whip, looks underneath, shrugs, and walks back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in comes another old stockman. He walks up to the dog, lifts its tail, looks underneath, scratches his head and goes back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five stockmen came to check under the Blue Heeler's tail. Each leaves, looking puzzled.

Eventually, Howard and Costello can stand it no longer. They call the barman.

"Tell me," says Howard, "Why did all those stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that?

Continue reading "An Aussie Twist on an Old Joke"…

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Continue reading "We have a situation...."…

(I didn't make this, but I did find it amusing, anyway.)

eBay sellers found a creative outlet to vent their frustration over Store fee increases that were announced last week. A search on eBay for the term "fee hike" yielded more than 100 auctions protesting the rate hike, many of them humorous.

I've mentioned that I love the Weird Al Yankovic spoof of "I Want It That Way", which is "eBay". If you haven't heard it, here's your chance, and you can see it with some amusing and entertaining videos, as well!

In no particularly order...

eBay Song 1 (goofy but entertaining)
eBay Song 2 (anime style, fairly dark)
eBay Song 3 (nearly unbelievable)
eBay Song 4 (where'd they GET all that stuff?!)

Nobody actually tagged me. I just felt like doing it.

Where Was I One Year Ago?

Living the same place I am now, out four days a week for play group, early intervention, and two kids in pre-school (on different days).

Where Was I Five Years Ago?

Living in the city (okay, technically, in one of the inner suburbs, but still REALLY close to the heart of the city of Melbourne), trying to conceive (made Miranda within a few weeks). Andrew was working for home for an American company, and therefore sharing my office, which I found.... uncomfortable (I love him, but I don't love sharing an office with him).

Where Was I Ten Years Ago?

Teetering on the edge of sanity, floundering through a complete breakdown. Seriously, desperately, profoundly unhappy. Not sane, very, very unstable and very, very unwell. (Ended up in the psych ward at the end of the year, in fact.)

I've been doing business with a new wholesaler, one in Thailand (beautiful silver jewellery, although I mostly bought chip gem bead stuff this time around). They've been extremely polite and flexible with me (such as halving their usual required first order amount!), and their prices are just excellent (I hope other people find the jewellery I've ordered as nice as I think it is!).

Anyway, here's the funny bit I wanted to share, from an email exchange with the service rep I've been working with:

"I anticipate that you will be satisfy with our product and well selling."

So far, I'm certainly satisfy with their well selling!

President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

Little Jimmy stood up and offered. "If my bestfriend, Johnny, who lives on a farm, were playing in the field and a tractor ran him over and killed him,that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

Little Suzie raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not,' explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"That's right!" exclaimed Bush. "Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?

"Well," says little Johnny, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that she hurts anywhere on her body if she touches herself.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, and then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.

She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

Andrew and I once had a discussion about the Puritan habit of giving their daughters names of abstract concepts that they felt virtuous. Names like Hope, Charity, Patience, Chastity, Constance, Silence, etc.

We then went on to think of modern virtues that might be names. We came up with a few (with the help of Andrew's brother, Greg). Here's a short list. You can think of your own, I'm sure...

Tolerence, Diversity, Productivity, Empowerment, Initiative, Community, Accountability, Sustainability...

Hmmm. Tolerence Diversity Bromage.... got a ring to it, dunnit....

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she! tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

YOU ARE BASIL


What herb are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I can't think of basil without thinking of Basil the Rat from Fawlty Towers...

You're David Johansen, the lead singer of the New
York Dolls. You are a sexy bitch who growls
like a werewolf but can swagger better than
Jagger.. You're confident, hipper than
everyone, and you know it. You're not afraid to
wear women's clothes because you're a real man.
No one is cooler than you, you tart.
Watch out for ugly facial hair in the
future...alright?


Which rad old school 70's glam icon are you? (with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

A Mother enters her daughters bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that Mom, Im pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods.
He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. Ive learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure and for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm l5 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit you so you can know your grandchildren.

Love,
Judith

P.S. Mom, it's not true, I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are Worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer..... I love you Mom.

Two sisters, one blonde and one redhead, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the redhead tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and
haul it home."

The redhead arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,"It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the redhead only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable".

The telegraph operator shakes his head.

"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?"

The redhead explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slowly ........"com-for-da-bul".........

I found the Draw a Pig Personality Test amusing. You may have seen it before, as its been around a while, but the automated (Flash) version is pretty fun. And do visit the gallery of piggies when you're done, it's well worth seeing some of the stuff in the "Hall of Fame" area.

Which OS are You?

I shamelessly lifted this from someone else's journal thingy (only the questions/concept; the anwers are mine, obviously). It's an online quiz from somewhere or other but I wanted to do my own formatting, so...

Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band: The Eagles

Are you female or male: Witchy Woman

Describe yourself: Desperado

How do some people feel about you: Victim of Love

How do you feel about yourself: I Wish You Peace

Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Certain Kind of Fool

Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: Love Will Keep Us Alive

Describe where you want to be: In the City

Describe what you want to be: Learn to be Still

Describe how you live: Visions

Describe how you love: Best of my Love

Share a few words of wisdom: Take it to the Limit

Jake was dying.

His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber; he looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling" he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, her best friend, your best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

A while back I posted a funny little screencap image of a Google ad that stated that you could buy "New and Used Ground Beef" on eBay (eeeuuuwww).

Well, today I found out that I'm actually for sale on eBay. That's right, folks, just saw this one (in my photo gallery, for what it's worth):

Bonni
Great deals on Bonni Shop on eBay and Save!
www.eBay.com

Eeek!

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial in a small southern American town, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and as ked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll jail you for contempt."

Written by a witty person who only got three hours of sleep (and gave permission to share this with anyone and everyone):

The Flash Fortune Lotto Scam - the link will take you to an exact copy of what I got in the email today: