I'm going to be offline for a few days. I'd like to say it's because I'm going on a holiday, but it's not. I just won't have internet service for a few days. Bleah. I hope to be back online early next week, but we're talking about Telstra, so don't hold your breath.

Anyway, that's the size of that. See y'all later.

I got a new partial denture done. It's a metal one, MUCH more comfortable than the bulky resin (plastic) one I had before. I hated that thing so much I never wore it. Ugh. This new one is much more comfortable. I can eat with it in (yay!) and it sits much more easily in my mouth... I still have the excessive sibilance problem, but I may be the only one who really notices it (okay, so it's not that excessive, but it sounds that way to me).

Next on the agenda, get a partial plate for the top, and get my front two teeth removed. Yay. Not looking forward to that, but gum disease takes its toll. I expect a partial on the top will look a lot better than my natural teeth, anyway...

Over at The Dilbert Blog, Scott Adams issued an interesting challenge. Describe yourself in one word. There was more to his post than that, which is why I linked it, but I was intrigued.

Didn't take me long to settle on one word that I think can describe me the most expressively: eccentric.

Andrew thought the word that best described him was "theorist". I thought "geek" fit better, but I get his point. Theoretically.

I'm a collector. I don't really start out thinking, "I know, I'll collect something! Now what shall it be?" I just have an interest in something and I get one and then another and then another and it sort of turns into a collection. I have unicorns, dragons, fairies, Bible translations, movie screenplays, fonts, perfumes (well, I actually do wear and therefore consume those, but I do collect them), and probably some other stuff that doesn't spring to mind but which I do collect (I seem to have acquired rather a lot of books about The Beatles, for example).

One of my more recent collections has been rosary beads, of all things. I am not even a little bit Catholic. I was raised very mainstream Protestant, and until fairly recently I couldn't even go into a Catholic church without feeling like I had a big sign over my head that said "LOOK! A Protestant!" I don't know how to recite a rosary (yes, I looked it up on the web, but as I don't have the Hail Mary permanently engraved in my memory, it's a bit hard to do a rosary, plus the whole "decades" thing totally confuses me). I understand that it's a means of counting prayers and following a pattern of regular devotionals, but it still eludes me. Perhaps you have to be truly instructed to really catch on? Or grow up with it, I suppose.

However, the thing I like about rosaries is that they can be real works of art, and I love the idea of a physical object of devotion and faith like that. Rosary beads are very personal. Some rosaries are jewellery, too, which is very interesting. They're just really fascinating as objects and in concept, I guess.

I have a lovely little "finger rosary" that's quite small (hence the "finger" terminology) made of hematite beads with a larger rose quartz bead (it's just one "decade", so you'd have to repeat it five times to get a full rosary in). I also have a really funky gorgeous handmade rosary necklace that has these gorgeous and strange candy pink and gold beads (it's a rosary with attitude!). I also have several rosary style bracelets of various materials (Swarovski beads, carnelian, smoky quartz, silver). And, my favourite, an antique rosary with milkglass beads, made in France. I carry that one with me most of the time. I take it out now and then and hold it because I actually do find it comforting. It's just a nice object, one that I treasure. It doesn't matter if I can actually "say the rosary". I still get pleasure and comfort from these objects.

So there you go. If you want to send me something, I'd be happy with a rosary, especially if it's an unusual one or a gemstone one. Maybe one day I'll actually memorise the Hail Mary. But probably not.

My Presbyterian and Dutch Reform ancestors would turn in their graves if they knew my interest in rosaries, I think. After all, a cousin of my grandmother once scandalised the whole family by marrying a Catholic! (I hate to think what they'd make of the Ganesh figurine and the Laughing Buddha on my desk, or that Dancing Shiva figurine in my room...).

Well, I've lost some weight. I don't know precisely how much because I don't weigh myself. But I can say that I've been exercising regularly (I walk forty minutes a day, five days a week, although I don't do the whole forty minutes in one go), and I have a swim once a week, usually. I've also cut back on the amount of fat in my diet. I'm not counting how much, but I've got a very good idea about what foods are high in fat and what foods aren't, and I've scaled back the high fat ones pretty dramatically (it was hard at first, I was really craving fat, but I've adjusted now).

Part of this is necessity. If I eat too much fat in one go, I get very sick. This is on account of having my liver dump a whole lot of bile directly into my intestines (since I no longer have a gallbladder). Part of it is it's a pretty good way to lose weight slowly and naturally and sensibly.

So I've been working on losing some weight just for my own health and comfort. It's not a vanity thing. I don't have a problem with being someone Peter Paul Rubens would have liked to use as a model (I can just see myself cavorting nude with some other big, pink, ladies, with just a few bits of gauze for clothing). I do have some health issues that will be eased if I lose some weight though, including joint pain and some of my sleep difficulties, and maybe a few other things. It'll also put me in a lower risk group for diabetes and blood pressure problems. (Not that I've had a problem with diabetes or blood pressure, but it's a good think to lower your risk.)

My jeans don't fit any more. Well, they sort of do. I can still wear them for the time being, but they're getting pretty roomy. The same is true of my other clothes. Tops, skirts, you name it, I'm shrinking out of it. This is a good thing. It's going very slowly, which is how I want it to go (slow weight loss is more likely to be maintained, and it's less of a shock on the system).

I don't ever expect to be slim. I've never been, not in my entire life. There was a time when I was in my late teens when I was not particularly fat, but I wasn't slim. I was very curvy, though, with a classic hourglass figure. Not at all fashionable, but men seemed to like it. Anyway, I don't ever expect to be slim, because it's just not me, and I'm in my forties now, so weighing what I did when I was eighteen isn't too likely. I'm just shooting for comfortable and reasonably healthy. If that means I'm still Rubenesque, that's okay with me.

For now, I'm just happy to be making progress, and I guess I'll stop when I get there.

I need to be creative. I need to meditate, I need to eat, I need to sleep, I need to be creative. If I don't get enough of any of those things, I start to become unblanced or even unwell.

I've decided to redo the main pages for this domain. I really like the Renaissance-inspired scroll design, but I've had it for years now (honestly, I'm not sure how many, probably around five years... yikes...) and I'm kinda tired of it. So I'm working on something new, something different, something creative, and something like I've never had on the main pages of this domain. For one thing, the mew pages are black. For another, it's inspired by psychadelia (blame it on The Beatles), fantasy-grunge, and it's got a magickal, sparkly, slightly hallucinogenic feel to it.

Yeah, really.

The graphics are done. Now comes the boring, tedious part, wherein I have to do all the code and tweak and tweak until it's just right. The good part is that last time I did a redesign I did it using an external style sheet and SSI inclusions, so it should (theoretically) be super easy to change the pages by just changing the style sheet and the inclusions. How easy it will actually be remains to be seen, of course, but that's the theory.

I'm also going to do away with my "memberships" page, I think. Not that I'm not still a member of a lot of things, but I think I can work it in effectively elsewhere (like on the "About" page) and just do away with that extra bit. And besides, I couldn't work the link into the new design very elegantly, so I just did away with it. Orf wiv its 'ead, I say!

New design should be premiering soonish, like, maybe by the end of the week if things don't get hectic and I don't get too distracted with other stuff.

So, this blog has gotten pretty boring, unless you particularly enjoy the stuff I link to. I'm not writing a lot here. As I've said, it's not because I haven't got anything to say. It's because the things I have to say are not things I want to say here, on this particular blog, for various reasons.

Thoughts on enlightenment, on the nature of God, on Oneness, all that sort of thing... I dunno...

I'm going to think about this a bit. Perhaps some of the the stuff I've got to say can be turned around to be stuff I can say here, that will fit the general mood and theme I've got in my mind for this blog. I mean, yeah, I can, at will, change the direction of this blog (I've done that before!), but I'm going to have to think about how I want to do that.

In the meantime, I do have another blog in, as they say, an undisclosed location. You can read it if you want. Just drop me a line and let me know.

Right. So I've lately found that my ... let me start over.

I've been having significant spiritual and/or psychic experiences (for lack of a better phrase) since I was very young. I first "saw" God when I was four or five years old. I just sort of assumed that everyone was periodically surrounded by golden-white light and engulfed in comfort and bliss when they went to church (because that's where it happened), but oh, how wrong I was...

Anyway, I had a really, really significant spiritual awakening a few years ago... well, several years ago, now that I come to think of it. I mean, I had lots of spiritual awakenings of various kinds over the years, just little things here and there, nudges, prods, and so forth, but this one was huge and it completely and totally changed my entire life and existence on the planet. Yes, it was that kind of awakening. And it took several years to sort through.

And then I had a break of several years. I don't know why. Probably I needed it, as I was pretty exhausted. But a few months ago something happened that kicked me back into high gear with the "spiritual quest" thing, and that's what I've been doing lately, and where my interest has been.

I've been learning all kinds of amazing stuff. I'm not sure I believe everything I read, but it's been fascinating to read it. I've learned about various religions (I'm way into comparative religion, always have been), I've learned about ritual magick (no, I'm not taking it up, but it is interesting) and about religious ritual (which is, I believe, meant to be a kind of magick). I've learned a great deal about that which we think of as reality (hint: it's not as real as you think). I've gotten into meditation much more seriously than I had done previously, with excellent results and benefits. I could probably go on, but I think I've gotten the idea across.

I'm not writing about these things here, because, uhm.... Well, some of it is very odd. It's not that I'm afraid of being odd, mind you (hah, what else is new?) but just... Hmmm. It's hard to explain. I believe I have a job I'll eventually have to do, and if I publish too much of the things I'm learning and experiencing here, it could jeopardize that job (note, "job" as in "calling" or "vocation" or "thing I'm supposed to do", not as in "employment"). So that's why I'm not writing that much here.

I am, however, writing. And if you're interested in reading some rather odd things from a rather odd woman who wishes to remain semi-anonymous on this topic (at least for the time being), feel free to ask and if I know you and trust you, I'll give you some information on where and how you might be able to read some of the things I'm writing. Oooh. Mystery. It's probably a conspiracy. But you can write if you want, so long as you promise me you won't think I've gone insane again. I certainly have NOT gone insane. I know this because I've been insane, and this feels absolutely nothing like being insane. No, I've just realised that I'm actually probably a mystic, and I've got to pursue that or... well, I don't know what, but I don't really have a choice in the matter. It's upon me and I have to pursue it.

In Celtic Christianity, the symbol of the wild goose is used to represent the Holy Spirit. I've always liked that. Pursuing God is a wild goose chase, in a good sense. You never know where a quest like that will take you...

"For every human there is a quest to find the answer to why I am here, who am I, where did I come from, where am I going. For me that became the most important thing in my life. Everything else is secondary." - George Harrison

I was in the grocery store today and a bloke looked at me. And by that I don't mean he glanced at me and then looked at his shopping cart or whatever. I went past him, smiled politely as you do, and he responded by looking at me, full eye contact, and then he proceeded to stretch somewhat suggestively, like, "Oh, gee, I just need to do a big stretch, by the way, did you see my stomach?" I definitely recognised that look. (And trust me, I don't have delusions that random blokes are giving me the eye, I really don't, but I do know a flirtatious look when I see one, having seen quite a few of them in my life, although not for a long time.)

He was a good deal younger than me, probably only in his late twenties, and not normally the sort of bloke I fancy, but, hey, it was nice having that sort of look. I haven't had that happen in a really long time, not since before Zoë was born, really.

I can only assume that this young bloke just happens to like plus-size older women. Hey, it happens. Trust me. But, well, whatever it was, it was quite nice to experience. So, hey, young bloke, whoever you were, thanks. You made my day!

I recently found out, kind of by serendipity, that not far from where I live is a place that has flotation tanks. Basically, you get in to this oblong shaped tank that's full of super-salted water (and the salt is epsom salt, which is a mild muscle relaxant) and you float there, nearly weightless. The thought of it is just heavenly, and I've heard it's very good for chronic pain and puts you into a theta brainwave state pretty quickly (theta is the deepest stage of sleep, where your body released Human Growth Hormone, which is used to heal and repair your body). I can't help but think it would be good for me, and it might just break the cycle of pain I've had for years.

I'm actually quite determined to get back something that looks like good health. I had it for years, despite being overweight and overstressed (okay, so I didn't have good mental health, but physically I was mostly okay). I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired...

Anyway, I'm looking into this. I'll write about it when it eventuates.

Well, I haven't been writing much in this blog of late. I am, in fact, very highly engaged in research and other matters, and when I'm in that "mode", I just am not particularly expressive in this blog. Lots of what I'm working with isn't stuff I would put here (which I try to keep fairly general), and a lot of it is kind of strange, so I fear people would think I'm crazier than I actually am. Most of what I'm researching has to do with spiritual matters, magick (yes, with a k), comparative religion, bioelectric energy, and so forth. I'm on quite a spiritual journey now (I expect it will ease at some point, and then pick up again, that's normally the way it goes, though I've had a pretty big "break" for a long time prior to this), and it's very intense and quite exhilirating. Whee! If I wrote about even half the stuff that's going on in my head and my heart, I'd certainly look like a crackpot.

That being said, I've no intention of becoming a Wiccan (though many of my friends are), a Buddhist (ditto), a Hindu, B'Hai, Sufi, or any of the other interesting things I'm currently learning about. I'm called to my mystical, somewhat Gnostic, slightly heretical faith, which is, basically, Christian (but not one of those Christians, the kind who are all judgemental and holier-than-thou and totally unwilling to even look at anything outside their own viewpoint; I don't like them much and don't associate with them, let alone would I actually be one of them). In fact, I've even been doing reading within the Christian traditions and have learned a few new and fascinating things that I've taken to heart.

I've also returned to some of the things I used to love as a child, actually. This has nothing to do with religion or spirituality, particularly, but I've started collecting rocks and mineral samples. Some of the crystals I've acquired are quite remarkable, some are perfectly ordinary, most are interesting in one way or another. I've got lots of different kinds of quartz now (I've always loved quartz, ever since I was a small child and we'd go rock hunting in the desert), natural points and clusters, carved pieces, specialty quartz, just all sorts of things. Right at the moment there's a piece of lavender colored spirit quartz (also known as fairy quartz) on my desk, along with a rather large cluster of apophyllite, a cluster of amethyst, a couple of pieces of black tourmaline, a piece of kyanite, and a couple of small clusters of citrine, plus a hand-carved Laughing Buddha made of bloodstone...

Since I got complaints about the incense that I like to burn, I decided to get some scented candles. And one of those gorgeous pink-peach salt rock candle holders. And a few more scented candles. And a wick trimmer. And now I'm thinking of getting a candle kit and making my own candles because I find that I really, really like them. I used to love candles as a child, used to make them, even, but now I'm returning to that. The lovely, warm glow of candlelight is just so pleasant, to say nothing of the scent (I like the cranberry and vanilla - known as "Vienna" - from Dusk).

I do have an oil burner, and I use it, but I have an unfortunate habit of forgetting it's on and letting all the water burn out of it. Yuck.

Let's see, what else have I been up to... Keeping dry, or trying to. After seven years of drought, it's been raining. And raining and raining and raining. This past week, it rained every day. I don't want to complain about it because we really do need the rain quite desperately, but it's been a challenge to get Miranda to and from school every day (we walk) without becoming utterly drenched. But rain is good, we welcome rain. Climate forecasts are saying that the drought should break within the next few months, a blessed relief, and I guess this is just a little taste of things to come... ? At any rate, it's raining and raining (to the point of flooding in some areas; yes, Australia is like that).

Oh, and my internet service has gone all wonky for several days now. It's extremely intermittant. It goes out for hours at a time, only to mysteriously reappear. I suspect it has to do with all the rain we've been having lately. I think there's a connection box somewhere locally that's getting waterlogged. It's extremely frustrating and annoying, to say the least, and calling tech support and trying to convince them that it's not my computer, my modem, or me being too stupid to operate a computer will be equally annoying and frustrating, I'm sure.

I'm still having trouble with my gallbladder. Last night I couldn't lie on my right side at all, because it hurt too much (that's the side your gallbladder is on). I had slightly too much fat at dinner (it wasn't like a hugely fatty meal, but it was enough to get the gallbladder upset), and ached all night. Thankfully, I'm going to see the specialist surgeon on Monday, and we'll schedule the surgery for as soon as it's appropriate. I'm hoping that the removal of that stone will help improve my health in general. It can't be good to have a partially malfunctioning endochrine system, you know?

Well, I think that sums up what I've been up to, and part of why I haven't been particularly talkative here (fact is, I do have a journal and I've been writing quite regularly in it about all of these things I'm learning and discovering, but it's fairly intimate and personal, as spiritual journeys tend to be). I'm very much alive and kicking, though. Perhaps you should look me up on the astral plane... I'm trying to learn how to travel there....

Yes, it's my birthday. I'm 43 today. I liked 42 better because 42 is the answer to life, the universe, and everything, but it's okay. I was hoping that after being 42 I would know the question to the answer of life, the universe, and everything, but I don't. Perhaps this year.

Andrew gave me... okay, the little girls gave me, but Andrew chose and bought, The Goblins of the Labyrinth, which is all of the concept illustrations for the film Labyrinth, and includes commentary by Terry Jones (of Monty Python fame, but he wrote Labyrinth). I love Brian Froud's work, I love Labyrinth, I love Terry Jones, and I love glossy coffee table art books, so it's all good.

And, of course, yesteray, we went out to see The Pirates of Penzance, which was a birthday treat.

This afternoon we'll go out and pick up a cake and then tonight we're having takeaway, probably Chinese (and hopefully something with prawns; it is my birthday, after all).

So there you go, a look into my terribly exciting life. Woo.

Well, my crash and burn insanity seems to have passed. I've come to some significant new understandings about a variety of things, including a few highly unusual and esoteric spiritual things that I'd never understood previously. I have also aquired a patron saint quite unexpectedly (especially consider that I'm not even remotely Catholic), and have become reacquainted with a beloved childhood friend.

I suspect I sound more insane than I was before, but actually, although I still feel emotionally and spiritually tired and weak, I am actually feeling better, and not insane.

And just for the record, I'm not evil incarnate, and those of you who think everything on the planet and in your life is my fault, I just suggest you examine your own heart and leave mine alone. The only judgement I have to accept is God's. Thanks.

And by the way, I forgive you, and I forgive myself. Go in peace.

Very bad emotional fall. Things I meant to do and tried to do with good intentions went down the toilet. Right at the moment, I wish I was dead, and I mean that QUITE sincerely. All my hard work trying to be positive, trying to keep focus, all for naught. I hate myself and I wish I'd never been born, and other people are happy and pleased with the outcome (heard that directly). Hooray. Maybe I really am evil incarnate.

I've just had this HUGE crash and burn, and I didn't even see it coming. I couldn't stop it. It just snuck up on me and the next thing I knew, bam, bottom of the pit, hating myself and cursing the day I was born.

This is what I get for trying to improve myself and my life. The higher you climb, the farther you fall.

I have a new gadget, an MP3 player. It's a cheap one, made in China, but it does what I want it to, so that's okay. The instruction manual is .... interesting. It's auto-translated and some of the translations are nearly impossible to understand, while others are bizarre. For example, it can pick up FM radio and it has an automatic manhunt to find stations. Yes, that's what it says. An automatic MANHUNT. Now why on earth the translation software chose to say "manhunt" when it ought to be "search" I cannot imagine, but that's what it has...

Fortunately, Andrew is better at figuring out auto-translated Chinese technical babble than I am, and he worked out how to put stuff on and delete things and so forth. Yay. I owe him bigtime for that.

I'm mostly using the MP3 player to look cool and look like I belong in the 21st century. No, wait. That's not it. I'm using it mostly for brainwave entrainment, actually. I export the session as a .wav, convert to .mp3, put it on the player, and then I can go and lie down and listen to it that way. Works well for stuff that's meant to make you sleepy, for example (though I can't really fall asleep with the ear buds in, ouch; I can, however, get suitably rested and get the other stuff I want to accomplish, such as the sub-delta brainwaves for the chronic pain/fibromyaglia).

So, yeah. Good stuff. An MP3 player with automatic manhunt. If I ever need to hunt a man on FM radio, I'll be all set...

Okay. I'm going to come out. I've thought of doing it for a while, but now, it just seem like it's right, you know?

I read tabloids. Regularly. I read cheap, stupid tabloids, and I read a slightly more reputable one ("Who Magazine", which is the Australian version of "People" and is published by Time-Life). I actually even have.... a subscription. Sometimes, if I'm at the right kind of news agent, I buy American tabloids (which are a lot meaner than the typical Australian tabloid).

I've been reading tabloids since I was a teenager.

And these days, not only do I read tabloids in paper form, I read tabloid BLOGS, as well. One of these days I'll post my updated OPML file (that's a file that shows all the RSS feeds to which I subscribe) and you can download it and see for yourself what a tabloid junkie I am.

There. That feels better. I read tabloids. And I enjoy it. So there.

I'm not a big fan of exercise. I do have an airwalker thingy that's pretty okay, but it's terribly boring, and I always feel like it's this big waste of time, like I could be doing something, you know, useful and interesting... (Yes, I know that regular exercise is healthy, etc., but I can't help how I feel; I'm sure I need an attitude adjustment).

Anyway, I have it, and when I remember, I step on it and do some walking that way, but I don't very often because it's boring. (My mother-in-law said I need an iPod!)

Well, last week, sort of on a whim, I went down to the local municipal pool and signed up for membership. I had my first water aerobics class on Monday morning. My mother-in-law went with me and had a swim, though she didn't do the class). It was challenging, but quite enjoyable! I didn't have that awful pounding heart I always get with regular aerobics (which I can't do because of my screwed up knee, which, by the way, I'm going to have the see the doctor over, and I fear I've developed arthritis in it). My face was getting really hot and it was probably quite red, but in the pool, it's easy to put cold water on your face, you know?

Anyway, I did my best, which was okayish. I did do some real swimming (laps) and I could do most of the exercises, but some of the time I had to slow down or alter the movement slightly to accomodate my bad knee. I did put in a really good effort, though. I wasn't slacking! And after the exercise, I had a soak in the spa. Mmmm. Hot. Bubbly. It's like being a chicken in a pot of soup, only not as nice smelling (though I confess, I totally adore the smell of a chlorine swimming pool).

I didn't even have any particular panic attacks in the changing room. When I was young and had to do physical education, I was always completely paranoid about taking off my clothes in front of other people. I was so terribly uncomfortable in my own body, I just hated it. I actually failed PE one semester because I couldn't bring myself to strip and shower in front of other people (open shower bays, yuck, and that particular school actually made changing and showering part of your grade).

So that's good. I would go and do the classes twice a week if they had them at convienient times twice a week, but they don't, really. So it'll be Monday mornings (all the other classes are in the evening, and that's pretty inconvienient for me).

I figure it'll be good enough, because I've recently started a whole new exercise, too. Every morning I have a ten minute walk, then a little rest, then another ten minute walk. Then in the afternoon, I do the same thing. I'm currently doing it four times a week, but in a few weeks, it'll be five days a week. And I can't blow it off, either, because it's taking Miranda to and from school.

The walk is already getting easier, after having done it two days, then the weekend off, then two more days. The skirt I'm wearing today, which fit perfectly well not long ago, is suddenly too big on me. I'm not making that up! Possibly it's just the fabric of the skirt stretching (I had some jeans that did that, too), but whatever it is, I'm going to have to take in the waist of the skirt if I want to wear it now.

I'm not actually expecting to lose weight. I used to get tons of exercise before I moved to Australia, because I had no car and I had to walk and take the bus everywhere I had to go. Five days a week, I was walking! And I wasn't very much lighter than I am now (maybe fifteen pounds; around 6-7 kilos). I wasn't even any smaller, sizewise. I did, however, feel a lot better, healthier, more energetic. So my purpose in exercise is to feel better, not to lose weight or size. If I do happen to lose some of that, though, it'll be okay...

I've mentioned before that I go through phases with gemstones. Years ago, I had a big thing for emeralds. Not that I had a lot of them, mind you, as emeralds tend to be expensive, but I had a great passion for them nonetheless.

Then I kinda went off emeralds and started to be into amethysts. Then for a while it was diamonds (okay, I still love diamonds, I admit it, because square cut or pear shape these rocks won't lose their shape and diamonds are a girl's best friend). Then I got over the amethysts and became enamoured of garnets.

Well, I still like the garnets, but now I'm onto something new: carnelian.

Why carnelian? I dunno. Probably because it's orange. Well, it can range from a sort of pale goldeny orangy color through a really rich, deep orange-red. I tend to prefer the latter.

I wear a lot of orange (and do my blog in that color, ha), and so I got interested in orange gemstones and it just sort of developed into one of my gemstone kicks, fascinated with a particular gemstone.

I reckon that folks who are into the crystals and spirituality related to them would tell me that I go on these gemstone kicks because it's something I need or crave in my life, that the stone channels or directs or otherwise affects me in ways I subconsiously know I need. And that'd be really interesting if it were true (and I'm not putting down peoples' beliefs, either).

Mostly, I think I'm just weird. Okay, well, I know I'm weird. But if wearing garnets or carnelian or diamonds or whatever will make me feel better, hey, I'm all for that! And thankfully, other than the diamonds (and emeralds, though I do know now how to get genuine emeralds that won't break the bank), most of my gemstone fetishes have been for relatively inexpensive stones (note: relatively; the value of gemstones is alway relative and varies hugely).

Anyway. Carnelian. And I'm wearing some right now (a chip-bead bracelet; I love chip-beads and have loads of chip-bead bracelets), and have some more on order... (And another interesting thing is that Andrew NEVER notices when I've got new jewellery OR new perfume, but, as usual, I digress...)

Okay. I got my bifocals Thursday. Taking some time to get used to them, though. Yikes. Lots of distortion on the outer edges, and my habit of tipping my head back when I look at something has to go, for sure.

I am getting used to them, slowly but surely, and I'm past the "new glasses headache" stage, thankfully, though I still can't read quite yet (haven't worked out where to hold the page/book/whatever).

I can, however, read my watch, which, if you'll recall, was one of the things that prompted me to finally go get the bifocals to begin with.

And... this is really interesting.... I can see the monitor fine with these glasses. I'm wondering if my old monitor was in worse shape than I thought... I mean, I knew it was a little blurry, but maybe it was worse than I reckoned? But then again, the computer glasses fixed the problem (more or less) so it couldn't have been just that. But in any event, I'm not wearing the computer glasses now, as I don't appear to need them now. Cool.

The new glasses even look reasonably cool. They're square. Very trendy. Woohoo.

So anyway, that's the deal. I can see. Mostly. I mean, I'll be able to once I figure out how to. Heh.

So I went to the after-hours doctor last night, and we ended up getting the bumper ripped off one side (freak accident; Andrew ran over a small stump and it just... like I said, freak accident).

Anyway, The swelling in my throat was getting extremely noticible and very painful, pressure was all the way up into my ear on one side, very swollen glands, etc. Doctor said my throat didn't look red, but he was giving me a prescription for quite strong antibiotics anyway, because every symptom said "strep throat" and when I said I'd had strep quite frequently when I was younger and it felt exactly like that, it just clinched the deal.

So we got the script and went to get the prescription filled and the shopping centre area was really jumping, because Friday is a late night shopping night and right near there is a fairly cool area with a cinema and lots of restaurants, etc. We found a parking place and went inside only to find that the pharmacy I intended to use was already closed, and then we went to go upstairs to KMart to look for something to hold the bumper on (remember the bumper? mentioned that already...), but KMart was also closed. So we came back down a non-working escalator and Andrew went into the grocery store (which was open, obviously) and came out with some clear duct tape. So now our front bumper is held on with sticky tape. Yeehaw.

And did I mention that during all of this mucking around I was dressed in ridiculous clothes because I hadn't really figured on being seen by anyone except the doctor and staff? So I looked like a dork in addition to being in considerable pain and being exhausted and sick, or, if you prefer, sick and tired.

We did eventually find the late-night pharmacy, which had a twenty minute wait on prescriptions. I sat in the car. Andrew came out after a few minutes with some pain reliever and throat lozenges (I asked for the pain relief, he volunteered the lozenges), and that's how I knew there'd be another fifteen minutes' wait.

By the time we got home, I was tired, annoyed, and in pain (slightly less pain, as I'd had some pain relief). And I'm still kinda cranky and tired, though the phenoxymethylpenicillin (just happen to have the box sitting on my desk; its not like I know this word normally) does seem to be helping the swelling, anyway.

Being sick sucks.

I felt much better yesterday, and I did what stupid people do. That is, I did too much when I was, in reality, still sick. And today I feel like crap again. Not that I felt great yesterday, but I felt less crappy.

I'm going to the after-hours doctor in a little while to see about this. I've got suspiciously swollen glands in my neck and throat, and it's getting worse. Reminds me all too much of the many times I've had strep throat...

So I'm sick. I think it's probably some kind of flu, it's pretty awful. Started out Monday night with chills and shivering so severe it felt like I was having a seizure (well, it felt like what I would imagine a seizure would feel like, anyway). I was shivering for ages. I got into bed with a bunch of blankets and a hot water bottle and a bunch of heat packs and I was still shivering all over for hours. Eventually, I fell asleep and then woke up covered in sweat and I had to throw all the heat things out of bed. Then, after a few more hours, I woke up and my mouth was really dry and so I had a drink from the bottle of water I had by the bed. Bad idea, because I threw up. I did have a bucket handy, but it was still a bit of a mess, yuck.

So I've been mostly sleeping for the past couple of days. I got up yesterday briefly to watch the Melbourne Cup (that was coincidence, but it's kinda funny; I'm such a Melburnian I get out of my sick bed to watch the Cup!) and I had a cup of soup and then went back to bed. I got up again around dinner time and had a bit of soup and a half a cracker, but I mostly just felt like I wanted to sleep, so I did. I got up every six hours or so to take more pain reliever, get a drink of water, and go to the restroom, but mostly, I've just slept.

Had to arrange for someone else to take Miranda to and from pre-school (her grandfather was helpful in that regard), and I just slept all day, pretty much. Got up around 2:30 in the afternoon and decided I'd stay up for a while. All that sleeping has given me a backache and the bed needs to be remade, anyway (it's not very comfortable at the moment).

I did manage to get down a slice of toast with peanut butter. I figured it's got protein, fat, and carbohydrates, so that's a good start. It's stayed down, but I've got absolutely wicked heartburn now, ugh!

I do feel like I'm getting better, though. I hope by the end of the week I'll be back to my usual self. So, well, if I seem unusually quiet, that's why. I'm sick. I'm only writing this to keep myself a bit occupied so I don't fall asleep in a chair or something...

So, I've known for a while that I need bifocals. I already have to have computer glasses (mid-range), and for a while I could get by with just taking off my glasses to read, but it's getting to where it's not really workable any more. I really need the bifocals. I mean, I can't read my watch, for heaven's sake, it's absurd.

I went to the eyeglass place that I've been going to for years and said I wanted bifocals. They got out my history and it seems I haven't had an eye exam since 2005 (I thought I'd had one more recently). As it happened, the eye doctor on the premises was free so I got a checkup on the spot (and it was bulk billed so I didn't pay anything out of pocket), and then went on to the fun task of picking new frames.

Finally settled on some, and they were in the least expensive range of price, amazingly. I say "amazingly" because I have a knack for usually picking the most expensive item in any given collection. It's a talent of mine. Not that the frames I chose were inexpensive, mind you, they were just the least expensive of the ones I'd picked that worked well for me.

Then I had to get my eyes measured for the bifocals, and then.... the price.... Yikes.

We do have private health insurance that covers optometry, so that's good, and they kick in $250 per calender year (so I tend to get new glasses frequently; next year I'll get new computer glasses, I think, as these are starting to show a fair bit of wear). Until now, that $250 per person has been enough to pay for the complete cost or nearly the complete cost of new glasses.

Except that bifocals are bloody expensive, it turns out. Yikes. Well over $500 for the new glasses, even with the less expensive frames. Like I said, $250 of that was covered, but I had to cover the rest, myself.

The good thing is, I'll be able to see again, and that's very comforting. It sucks not to be able to read music while singing (I don't think I've mentioned it, but I'm singing in a choir now, just for the Christmas programme at the church where my mother-in-law is choir director; she needed more altos), and I'd really like to be able to read my watch without taking off my glasses...

So that's my big exciting day. Whee. Who says I have no life?

Tonight in a forum someone told me to shut my big mouth and called me a jack of all trades and master of none.

Now, I can understand the first bit (it's not like nobody's ever told me that before). I don't entirely get the second though. I THINK they were making the snide implication that because I multi-task and have more than one interest, I'm not good at anything that I do.

Why would someone make that assumption? Why is it so hard to believe or recognize that someone just might be able to do a number of things quite well?

Granted, there are a lot of things I do NOT do well. Mathematics, for example. And physics. And chemistry. And pretty much any "hard" science. I can't program, either, though I can sort of hack up code a little bit sometimes, if it's pretty basic. I can't fix cars, I can't fly a plane, I can't play any instrument with any degree of accomplishment. Can't dance (well, I can bop around like a fool and enjoy myself, but I wouldn't call it dancing), can't ice skate, I mean, the list goes on and on and on of the things I can't do or (and this is an even bigger list) things I know very little or even nothing about. The universe is absolutely full of things about which I know nothing, and about which I would never pretend to know anything, because I know better than to bluff like that (I hang around with geeks; geeks call you out on stuff like that).

I'm just wondering what sort of narrow thinker believes that if you do more than one thing, you can't possibly be good at anything you do?

Well, I was thinking about Weird Al's new song, "White & Nerdy" (which you can listen to for free by visiting his MySpace page. And an alarming number of lines from it actually apply to me (or to Andrew; between the two of us, almost ALL of them apply, eek).

Here are the lines that made me go, "Hmmm":

Got skills, I'm a champion at D&D [AD&D actually, but close enough]
MC Escher, that's my favorite MC
Keep your 40, I'll just have an Earl Grey tea
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I could sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong (okay, not ping pong, but air hockey for sure!)
My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shoppin' online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized "Holy Grail" really well
I got a business doin' web sites
When my friends need some code, who do they call?
I do HTML for 'em all
Even made a home page for my dog [my cat, but same sentiment]
Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap [all those online purchases!]
Pop pop, hope no one sees me... gettin' freaky
I'm nerdy in the extreme and whiter than sour cream
I was in A/V Club and Glee Club and even the chess team [speech team and thespian club, really]

Look at me, I'm white & nerdy

Yeah. So everyone's really shocked, I'm sure. Bonni's a nerd! Who would have thought?! Actually, I'm more of a geek, but when younger, uh, yeah, definitely fit the "nerd" profile...

[EDIT] I'm SO nerdy that I came back to edit this entry. Woohoo.

First, read the Wikipedia entry (go on, it's extremely amusing; I'd bet almost any amount of money that Weird Al himself contributed to it).

Now... watch the video, and be sure to keep your eye out for Donny Osmond and Seth Green...

Caught this on my webcam. It's me headbanging to Green Day.

Okay, I got a haircut. I've been thinking about it for a while. The long layered hair was fun for a while, and it was kinda cool wearing the same haircut I had when I was 14 (which is now back in style, thankyou), but I'm over it. When I was a teenager, I was a lot more willing to spend a lot of time and energy mucking around with my hair (hot rollers, curling irons, hairspray, yadda yadda yadda).

So I got it cut. I was going for a tapered bob, which is pretty much what I got, but now that I look at it and play with it a bit, it reminds me a great deal of Dorothy Hamill and her famous wedge haircut, which is one of the few trendy 70s haircuts that I didn't have.

And, yes, I'm showing both my age and my original nationality by knowing who Dorothy Hammill is and what her haircut looked like...

I'm happy to report that I did not, in fact, throw my partial plate away. Whew. I don't have to walk around for weeks with no lower incisors.

I am, however, still determined to get my teeth fixed once and for all. Andrew's on the phone now with the dental centre to find out what we need to do to book in, etc. I'll also of course, have to get a new set of choppers made prior to the surgery.

So I have a dental appointment on the 18th of this month to get an exam, they'll almost certainly send me for xrays (because I need to have my head examined, ha ha), and then, I HOPE, I can schedule the surgery and get these nasty old teeth out, get the gums healing, and get some nice, functional, non-painful resin choppers.

Well, the time has come for me to make the arrangements to get my teeth out. This will sound bloody ridiculous, but I'm pretty sure I threw my partial denture away today. I'm still looking for it in the hopes that it didn't actually go in the rubbish, but I'm pretty sure it did. So, rather than get a new one, I'm going to take this as a sign that it's time to do what I've been needing to do for a long time now, and get my stupid teeth removed.

Having dentures is never ideal, but for me, it'll solve a lot of problems, including making it so that I will never have to have my teeth poked and prodded with sharp instruments ever again. My phobia about that is pretty severe, it's one thing I've never been able to beat, and the idea of never having to endure the "Oh, crap, I have to go to the dentist" panic attack again sounds like bliss.

I also reckon I'll have far fewer headaches. I'm quite sure that having a mouthful of diseased gums is not good for me, and I honestly believe that a fair number of my persistent headaches are due to the teeth. So that's another plus.

AND.... my teeth look pretty crap these days. It'd be nice to have a nice, relatively even, ivory smile again, instead of the mess that my poor teeth have become over the years of studiously avoiding the dentist until my teeth rot out of my head. I'm not a vain woman, but it's nice to have an attractive smile.

Andrew will be calling our insurance company's dental centre tomorrow to make the arrangements for the preliminary exam prior to the surgery. He's going to make it clear that I do NOT want to see a periodontist, been there, done that, many of my teeth can't be saved no matter how much torture I endure in a dentist chair, and I'm 42 and I just want to be done with it. Take them out. Take them all out. Give me some nice new plastic toofies and I'll adjust to them and that'll be that. I'll submit to a head xray if I must and I'll let the dentist have a look in my mouth (and I'll have to take Valium first or I won't be able to get in th chair *sigh*), and then I want to make the arrangements to get the bloody things all removed. End of story. Case closed.

I hope I can get this arranged relatively quickly. The idea of walking around with no lower front incisors for months isn't a pleasant one. Most people can't tell, but still, I feel weird. It's like going around with no bra on or something. Not a crime, certainly, but not comfortable, and people really don't want to see that sort of thing...

I've had this cold for weeks now. Sinus blockage, couging, etc. etc. It was sort of getting better and then got worse. Doctor feels I had one and then got another right after, which may well be the case. In any event, I feel like crap. I got up to take Miranda to kinder at 8:30 (she was there at 8:30, I actually got up earlier, obviously), and then came home, took some cough medicine, and went back to bed, where I slept until about 11:30 and went and picked her up at noon.

I feel somewhat better now, at nearly 6pm. Partly, I took some pain reliever and that's surely helping. I also irrigated my sinuses with saline solution (uncomfortable process, but does a great deal of good, and it seems to help my chronic sinusitis in many ways). I also put a shoulder heat pack on and one for my neck, and that seems to help for whatever reason.

Still, I'm very fatigued and will probably have to go to bed early (again). I hate winter for this very reason...

Today, I'm 42 years old. Any Douglas Adams fan will tell you why 42 is a great number. It's the answer to life, the universe, and everything (it's only th question we need to work out now).

Zoë is about a hundred times more excited about my birthday than I am. I've not been very much into my own birthday for many years. I like getting presents, of course, but really, I don't pay much attention to my birthday except to put in on forms that ask for it.

And I admit, I do have a bit of a thing for the year I was born. Lots of interesting things happened that year (which was 1964, in case you're as arithmattically challenged as I am).

Anyway, the little girls gave me my birthday present today, which, of course, their father picked out. It's the double DVD of The Eagles: Farewell I.

As it happens, we were there one of the nights they were filming for the DVD. No, we are in no way visible. We were in the wings of the very large Rod Laver Arena, and even if the camera had swept that direction, you couldn't have spotted us in the crowd, but no matter.

The DVD is reminding me of that experience, which was very, very high on my list of great life experiences. In the middle of the second song (which happend to be "New Kid in Town", an extremly influential song in my life for many reasons) I suddenly was overwhelmed by: "Oh, my God. I'm listening to the Eagles. In Melbourne. With Andrew." Sounds a bit silly, but it was a really fantastic moment, and a fantastic concert.

Seeing the Eagles perform live was one of the things I wanted to do before I died. I'm one step closer to death, and this DVD on my birthday is reminding me of that, but you know what? I'm still enjoying it. Life is a consumable.

Well, I've done something very unusual (for me). I've bought skirts. PLURAL. After years of never wearing a skirt, I've bought TWO of them.

I used to wear skirts back when I was younger. But then miniskirts came into fashion, and even when I had the legs to wear them, I wouldn't have (I just don't like them, simple as that). And then skirts got a little longer, but they were narrow and not very pretty, so I didn't wear them then, either.

But now, lovely full gypsy skirts are back in fashion, and by golly, I've got some. One's black (because black is the new black as far as I'm concerned) and the other is a sort of paisley mixed print in shades of bittersweet and brown. Both are wrinkled, which is good because you don't have to iron them, heh.

I also bought myself some new shirts because, well, I just needed a few. One of them is one of those new tshirt styles where there's a gathered front and a very deep neckline, i.e., a cleavage shirt. It seems that cleavage is back in fashion, yay. I have very nice cleavage if I do say so myself, and I've never been averse to showing it. However, when it's out of fashion, if you show too much cleavage you just look like a tart, so I was pretty reserved with that (I'm not terribly fashionable and I'm not at all trendy, but I don't like looking like a tart).

So now I've got shoulder length, layered hair (very 70s), gypsy skirts, and cleavage-showing shirts, and since big silver hoop earrings are back in style, I've been wearing them, too, and I've got jeans with flare bottoms, as well.

Under no circumstances am I planning on wearing wedge or platform shoes, however. The 70s may be back in fashion, but I've got more sense now than I did then, and twisted ankles just aren't that attractive on a woman my age...

My hayfever was momentarily better. It rained a couple days ago and that causes the pollen or dust or whatever out of the air for a while. But the past couple of days have been dry and now I've got the damned headache and stuffy head and sticky eyes again. It's partly my own fault. I sort of slacked on taking my Rhinocort and Zyrtec. Bad idea (I do this because I hate the idea of overmedicating, and also because I'm a bit of a scatterbrain).

I also ate chocolate yesterday, and now I have a headache that will NOT go away. I can eat some kinds of chocolate (Lindt seems to be fine) but not others (Cadbury, Snickers, Mars, now I find Nestle is a problem...). I don't know which ingredient it is, but it seems that very fine chocolates such as Lindt and the lovely hand-made ones Andrew got me for Valentine's Day don't have whatever the ingredient is. It's mostly in the less expensive chocolates, it seems.

Anyway, so today I have a headache, and I'm not a happy camper. I'm not even wearing any perfume, dammit (most kinds of perfume make my headache worse if I already have one from hayfever; I'm not allergic to perfume, though).

So, blah. At least I got my hair colored last night (same color, just did a touch up and put in some highlights, etc.). In a moment here, I'm going to go and get some panadol, since the nurofen didn't help (and yes, you can take both at the same time, but you have to be careful and not overmedicate and you can't do it often).

I love Australia, I really do, but I hate whatever native plants cause this misery every autumn and every spring...

I woke up with a headache. Only on one side, though. I don't know what causes those, but I suspect it's either the postition in which I sleep (and that memory foam pillow hasn't fixed any of that) or it's sinus related. But anyway, OWWW.

Took some pain reliever, but I don't know if it's helping. I also took some Zyrtec for the sinus pressure, so maybe that'll help. And now I'm drinking some tea, and I hope the caffeine will kick in and help, too.

Owww. I wonder if a hot shower would help at all...

The flashback has subsided. I feel better. I'm not feeling hopeless any more, thank goodness. That's such a horrible feeling, it's like being smothered in a big, thick, blanket. It's hard to believe I used to feel like that every, single, solitary, day, all the time.

Well, I'm not useless. I'm not hopeless. I'm not evil. I'm not bad. I'm not especially selfish. I'm just human. That's all.

I feel like I've got a knife in my chest. It's the opening of an old wound. I do wonder why it is that people don't want to even KNOW both sides of a story before they make very hurtful, hateful statements that are clearly intended to deliberately wound.

I actually feel suicidal, something I haven't experienced in a long time (no, I'm not actively suicidal, I just have that feeling of utter hopelessness and the sense that it's pointless to even bother breathing; I hope it will pass quickly). Some days I'm sorry I ever survived my "hell years". I did try to kill myself more than once. Sometimes, I just wish I'd succeeded...

I've taken to wearing perfume every day. I normally don't go anywhere significant during the day (just dropping off or picking up Miranda from pre-school or going to the post office). In other words, nobody really smells me other than me and the little kids.

I used to wear perfume only for "special occasions" but perfume is a consumable, and it's meant to be consumed (and it goes off if you keep it too long once opening the bottle). Furthermore, wearing perfume is a luxury. No, it is. You don't need it. It's not like sunscreen (which I also wear) or shower gel or something. It's not practical, it's not necessary. It just smells really nice and may be very expensive, too.

So I wear it every day, because I like the fragrance and it makes me feel like I'm special enough to be able to put on expensive perfume just because I damn well want to. It makes me feel pampered. It makes me feel successful. It makes me feel loved, and loved by the most important person there is to be loved by: myself. I feel like when I wear perfume for no reason other than my own olifactory pleasure, I'm reminding myself that I'm special.

And I am, too. Everyone is, but I'm especially so, at least to myself. I spent many, many years pretty much hating myself and thinking (because my mother told me over and over) that I was worthless, useless, a big waste of time and space. And now, here I am, wearing expensive perfume (and some my perfume is very expensive, indeed!) every day, for no reason other than I'm special and I like doing it.

I guess L'Oreal (who own or partly own Lancome, the makers of my all-time favorite perfume, Tresor, which I happen to be wearing as I write this) were right. I really am worth it.

Well, I'm now sans a big toenail on my right foot. At the moment, it's still numb from the anesthetic, but I expect it's gonna hurt when it wears off (thankfully, I've got a prescription for good drugs, heh). The doctor cut off the stupid little growth (a granuloma, a type of benign tumor, although they'll send it to the lab just to be sure there's nothing abnormal), resectioned the toenail down to the nail bed again, and removed the entire toenail in the bargain. Whee.

I wish I had some funny story to relate about this or at least something amusing to say, but I don't. I went in, got the anesthetic, they did the surgery, I came home. No biggie. Of course, if the anesthetic wears off and I haven't got any pain reliever handy (*looks meaningfully toward Andrew who has to go and get it*) I might have something more to blog about, but I don't know how amusing it'd be...

[EDIT] Anesthetic wore off. Took prescription pain relievers and it's more tolerable, but... OUCH. I don't remember it being so painful last time, but then, I didn't get the whole toenail removed along with a hunk of flesh, so maybe that's the thing. I also feel quite queasy and light headed, possibly from blood loss (seems unlikely, it's not that much blood), possibly from the anesthetic circulating through the body (it does do that, y'know), possibly from the codeine in the pain relievers. In any case, I feel pretty crappy just at the moment. Ugh.

When I was a kid, I wanted my name to be Veronica. No reason, really, other than I thought it was a cool name and I was a fan of Archie comics (I still read them from time to time, as a matter of fact).

I think most little girls have a "fantasy name". When I had Miranda, a friend said, "Oh, that was the name I wanted as a kid!" and I know of one girl who wanted to be Tracey, and another who wanted to be Tiffany.

I don't think boys do this. No boy (or man) I've ever talked to about it had any idea what I was talking about, but I'll bet that at least half of the female persons reading this blog entry will understand...

My current fantasy name, by the way, is Bathsheba. You know, the babe who ended up married to a king because she took a bath? (It's in the Bible, look it up, it's a heck of a story!) Yeah, Bathsheba... I'd be a great Bathsheba. Better than a Veronica, anyway.

Oh, crap. Now I have that song by The Veronicas in my head. It's a cool song, but... ack...

Well, I had a crappy day yesterday, as I wrote. It turned into a crappy night. We got pizza for dinner and then I was working at the computer and started to get a stomach ache and after about an hour and a half, I was throwing up. Ugh. I throw up very infrequently, but when I do it's very painful, very thorough, and very exhausting.

I went to bed after that because I was really tired and I felt like I was freezing (it wasn't that cold, but I was shivering). Had to get a hot water bottle and everything. Andrew came to bed after a while and then, at around four in the morning, Miranda woke up sobbing because she threw up. She was up and down for a couple hours after that. Poor kid kept saying, "I don't want to throw up any more!" Can't say I blame her.

I slept most of the morning and got up for a couple hours to eat some soup (which was a relief; last night I couldn't even drink water without my stomach going crazy!) and then I went back to bed.

Now, in the early evening, I"m feeling better. Not good, but better. Stiff all over, probably from lying in the bed so much. Headache, but I took some pain reliever and that's tolerable now. I had some more soup and some Coke (yeah, yeah, I know, but i needed the caffeine for the headache, I'm an addict). I feel well enough to sit at the computer a little bit and catch up on a few things (not for long, though, I don't think).

I'm the third member of the family to have this. Andrew's Mum was first, then his Dad. Now me and Miranda. We don't know if Zoë and Andrew will get it, but if they do, well, it comes on pretty quickly, not much warning, so we'll just have to see.

Bleah. Crappy day, crappy night. At least I know that this thing only lasts a day or so. I should feel better tomorrow. I hope...

I wasn't crazy about the orange hair, so I did a bit of fixing (basically, I just colored it all over with an ash blonde, which didn't change the level of color but the ash toned down the gold and orange tones). I'm going to have to get a haircut soon, I think; the ends of my hair have got to be somewhat frazzled by now with all this mucking around with bleach and other colorings and such!).

Anyway, this little self-portrait wasn't taken outdoors but it was using a pretty effective flash. It's more red now, less orange. I think I'll leave it alone for a few weeks now, until the roots start to grow out and I have to do something about it. The goal was to go lighter red and that's what I've done, and I've got the added interest of a few red-gold chunks and a fair bit of streaking, so, hey, if I wanted a change (and I did), I've certainly accomplished that!

I've been going through a process to lighten my hair, which was, as I've mentioned, a very deep red for a long time.

A couple days ago I took the next step, which was fixing a few areas that didn't get sufficiently streaked when I did it the first time and then following that with an all-over coppery-blonde shade.

When I was done, Miranda asked, "Did you wash your hair?" and I told her I did, and then said, "And what color is it?"

She looked at it thoughtfully for a bit and then said, "Orange?"

Today I took a couple pictures of myself in the sunlight, just so I could get a good look at the hair color and... I think Miranda may be right....

I've been a redhead for a very long time. I'm certain that nature intended me to be one, and just couldn't quite get the genetics right for the actual hair color. I've certainly got the fair skin and firey temprament (which is only a myth, because I've known plenty of timid redheads and smart blondes and dumb brunettes, etc., but I digress, as usual).

Many years ago, before I figured out I was meant to be a redhead, I used to color my hair blonde, actually. Didn't look good on me, as I'm so fair skinned (and I won't even make a joke about being too smart to be a good blonde, heheh).

So anyway, I've been a redhead since 1982 or thereabouts, varying the shade of red, sometimes having kind of strawberry blonde and sometimes really, REALLY red (that was actually a mistake, but it was cool, for the few weeks I had it; I looked very geek punk because of the haircut I had at the time). For the past six years or so, I've been coloring it a very dark red, just because that's what I felt like doing with it.

Lately, I've wanted it to be lighter again, just because that's what I feel like doing with it. I bought a box of a sort of medium light golden brown shade that I thought was suitable and colored the whole thing with that, but only the roots were noticibly lighter. So I got professional advice.

I was advised that the only way to go lighter would be to bleach it, which I already knew (after all, I'd been a blonde for several years), but that doing an "all over" bleach is difficult to get right and fairly bad for your hair (which I also knew, as I used to overprocess my hair shamelessly and managed to turn it into straw for a while when I was bleaching it). I was told that doing it in stages would be the best option, and that I should start with streaking it.

So I did. I got the silly plastic hat with holes all in it and got Andrew to pluck dozens of little pieces of hair through the holes (sometimes at considerable pain to me, oww!). Took ages, was very boring, and when it was finally done I looked silly as hell with a plastic hat and bits of hair sticking out all over, but then we did the bleaching and I sat around looking even MORE stupid for a while (with the bleach on the bits of hair that were sticking out all around my plastic hat), but the end result is very pleasing.

I had thought to do the streaking and then do an all-over coloring to further enhance it, but you know what? I really kinda like it the way it is now. I think I'll leave it for a few weeks, partly to avoid overprocessing my hair and partly, I just think it looks cool.

I also think it makes me look younger, which is a good thing. I'm not especially vain (I'm hardly vain at all, actually), but it's never a bad thing to look younger. Unless you're trying to look older (you know, like a teenager who's trying to pass for legal drinking age or something).

One thing that the bleaching process reminded me of was the smell of the bleach. Wow, haven't smelled that in years, but it brought back a lot of memories of... well... bleaching my hair (what else is the smell of hair bleach supposed to remind you of?).

Anyway, here are some pictures I took with the webcam. They're not great, but you can get the idea, and if you've seen previous webcam shots in the column just to the right, you know that my hair is much lighter now than it was just, well, a few hours ago.

And yes, that's a striped flannel pyjama top I'm wearing. Just in case you wondered. Oh, and you can also see clearly the very seventies haircut I have at the moment, the one I had when I was about fourteen (and which I wrote about in this blog a while back).

Well, in recent months, I've found that I have to take my glasses off in order to read. This is because I'm getting old, of course, right at that age when you start to need reading glasses. I'm also told that using a computer a lot will make your eyes go funny a little quicker, but I dunno...

Anyway, I got my eyes checked today and it seems that my distance prescription hasn't changed very much (just slightly in one eye) and I need computer glasses (or reading ones, more on that in a minute). Our insurance covers up to a certain amount per year, and as this year's almost over, I'll be getting a pair this year (which I ordered today) and a pair of distance glasses next year.

I was initially going to get bifocal glasses which are good for reading (bottom half) and mid-range (for the computer), and that's what I ordered initially. Then, they called me and said that the manager reviewed the order and thought that since I work at the computer a lot, the bifocal glasses probably wouldn't work well for me, so they were going to order me standard lenses (with a mid-range focal point) but they recommended multi-coating (which has a lot of anti-glare and other good things), which I thought was a good idea (I've got it on my distance glasses). All in all, I'll get back almost fifty dollars due to the change.

Good service, I'd say.

So anyway, now I'll have to get one of those chains you dangle your glasses from, heheh.

Several months ago, I hurt my foot. I don't entirely know what I did, but it was hurting and I thought it might help if I got the foot massager thingy. By "foot massager thingy" I mean this little contraption with several wooden rollers on it, against which you rub your feet.

So, I got the foot massager thingy and I guess I was a little too rough or had my foot at a bad angle or something, because it got WORSE. I mean, significantly worse. Walking with a very pronounced limp worse. At the time I said, while wincing and making those "Damn, this is painful" faces, "It feels like something's out of place in my foot."

Well, the pain continued off and on for months, sometimes worse, sometimes better. Walking made it worse. The pain could often be soothed by soaking my feet (might as well do them both, and besides, when one foot hurts, the other does more work, so that one hurt a lot, too) in hot water with epsom salt, but it never really got better in any major way, and I was limping and wincing a LOT.

I tried two different kinds of orthopedic shoe inserts, which helped some, various pain relievers, etc., and it was just not getting better. I was seriously thinking it was time to go to a podiatrist.

Late last week, I went out on the spur of the afternoon with my in-laws. My mother-in-law was looking for a pair of athletic shoes, and KMart had ladies athletic shoes for 20% off. I thought perhaps a different pair of shoes would help my foot, and I got a decent pair of sturdy ones, put the shoe inserts in, and put them on. Almost miraculously, my foot started to feel better. I wore the shoes all afternoon (rather than putting on my house slippers), hoping it would relieve some of the pain.

Well, it did more than that. It appears that whatever was out of place in my foot snapped or slid or popped back where it belonged, probably in response to the newer, more supportive shoes (in combination with the inserts, perhaps). My foot is actually healing now, finally, after all these months. It's still a little bit tender, but it's definitely healing and there's no more limp.

The sudden absence of pain is quite noticible. Every time I get up to walk, I brace myself for pain but there really isn't any. It's very strange and extremely pleasant.

Praise the Lord! I can walk!

Well, I thought I was feeling better, but not really. I still have chills that come and go, and right at the moment my face is really hot. I dunno if it's a mild hot flash (not that I'm menopausal, but I'm peri-menopausal, and I do get hot flashes sometimes) or if I'm slightly feverish or what. Thankfully, the sinus stuffiness and the sneezing and coughing are gone now.

Glad I'm only experiencing the "mini" version of this flu. I'd really hate to have the real thing!

Got a flu shot Friday morning, and starting to get flulike symptoms by that evening. Felt sick all day yesterday. Today I feel better physically, although I have a headache that won't go away and I'm feeling emotionally pretty unstable. Bleah.

Have you ever...

(x) snuck out of the house
(x) gotten lost in your city
(X) saw a shooting star
(x) been to any other countries besides the united states
(x) had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
(x) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
(x) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(x) swore at your parents
(x) been in love
(x) been close to love
(x) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
(x) broken a bone
(x) skinny-dipped
(x) skipped school
(x) flashed someone
(x) saw a therapist
(x) done the splits
(x) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches
( ) Tried to drink a whole gallon of chocolate milk in one hour
(x) bitten someone
(x) been to niagara falls
( ) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
( ) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
(x) been fired
( ) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(x) been to europe
(x) slept with a co-worker
(x) been married
(x) gotten divorced
(x) had children
( ) seen someone die
(x) had a close friend die
( ) been to africa
(x) driven over 400 miles in one day
(x) been to canada
(x) been to mexico
(x) been on a plane
(x) seen the rocky horror picture show
( ) thrown up in a bar
(x) eaten sushi
( ) been skiing/snowboarding
(x) met someone in person from the internet
(x) lost a child
(x) gone to college
( ) graduated college
(x) tried killing yourself
(x) fired a gun
(x) purposely hurt yourself
(x) taken painkillers
(x) miss some one

Well. I went to the periodontist today. I have advanced periodontal disease (no surpise there). One of my front teeth has an abcess (that was a bit of a surprise; I knew it was unwell, but it's apparently quite far gone). Several of my teeth are loose.

I have to go tomorrow to my family doctor and get some orders for tests that the periodontist wants: triglycerides, cholesterol, and diabetes. No, I won't be surprised if it turns out I've got high cholesterol, nor will I be surprised by diabetes. I'll actually be surprised if I don't have high triglycerides, to be honest. I also need to get another full head/jaw x-ray done.

And then I need to go back about the third week of January with all the test results and x-rays to decide what can be done and how much it'll cost and how long it'll take.

I've already decided that if it's going to be too expensive (though we do have very good dental insurance, thankfully) or the treatment too lengthy (how much I'll just have to decide when I know more) or the prognosis too poor (i.e., we do all this work and spend all this money just to lose my teeth anyway), well, I'll just get them all removed.

Not too keen on that idea, but if it's going to be the best option, that's what I'll do, and there's no point crying over spilt teeth. Or something like that.

The older I get, the more misanthropic I become. I still have select persons that I like and whose company I enjoy, but really, I'm getting a lower and lower tolerence for humanity every day.

I'm not sure if this is a bad thing or not...

Okay, well. I haven't wanted to say anything in public about this, but I think I'm finally ready to do so. I still need to have a few tests done to rule out some other possibilities, but it seems that my medical condition has all the signs, patterns, and symptoms of Fibromyalgia. Follow the link for more information, but in a nutshell, think Chronic Fatigue Syndrome with slightly less fatigue (although that's a factor) and considerably more pain, but it fluctuates.

Sometimes the pain is easy to manage, sometimes it requires very strong pain reliever, and even that doesn't totally get rid of it. Some days I'm so tired I feel like I can hardly walk, some days I can do exercise and go out and run errands and do stuff and feel just a little tired at the end of the day. Some days my back hurts so much I can barely find a comfortable sitting position, some days it doesn't bother me at all. This is a very strange and potentially debilitating condition, and it's chronic, with no cure (only management).

So there you go. Next time I mention my medical condition, that's what I'm on about. Leave it to me to develop something chronic and incurable, but which will just make me miserable and degrade the quality of my life without actually killing me...

Well, it seems that the tooth can't be saved. I went to the dentist today and had a cleaning and got a referral for a periodontist who can see me in less than half a year (I've got an appointment in mid-December). I also had that molar examined and while I did think it might need a root canal or something, it turns out that the best course of action is going to be to just pull the sucker.

I'm not exactly happy about it, but if that's what it takes to get rid of the frequent infections and other crap I've suffered from this tooth, well, so be it. It's a molar, so it's not like it'll show. I'll just have a slightly harder time chewing steak...

One of my front top incisors is also rather troubled (no surprise there; I've known that for a while), but if I can get to the periodontist in a few weeks and get the deep cleaning process started, it should be okay. The rest of my teeth are sound.

And, yes, I had to take valium before I went to the dentist. I can't cope at all if I don't take one (but only one, and only when I have to go to the dentist, as I'm afraid it could be highly addictive if I start using it for anything else). I slept really badly last night (anxiety in preparation of a dentist's visit), though, so maybe a valium might have been in order then, too...

So anyway, losing one's teeth is the price you pay when you have irrational fears of going to the dentist, although I don't really think it's all that irrational. I mean, don't all sensible people fear having sharp instruments poked into the tender places of their mouth?!

Killer toothache. It's been bothering me for a while now, but today it got progressively worse. Last night I was kinda doped up (a heady mixture of codeine, caffeine, and ibuprofen, yes, all perfectly legal), and I was chewing with that tooth. It didn't hurt excruciatingly because of the medication. When that wore off...

Well. I used to get these toothaches regularly and having out the Evil Bastard wisdom tooth has helped, but there's something not right with that molar. Dunno what. I had a complete jaw x-ray not long ago and while I was referred to a periodontist (fear of dental work tends to lead to gum disease, unfortunately), nobody said anything about there being anything wrong with that molar. Perhaps it's just prone to getting stuff stuck under the gum and getting an infection as a result.

If this doesn't get better very VERY soon, I'm going to have to go to the doctor or the dentist or somebody with the ability to prescribe medication (hell, a psychiatrist will do!) and get antibiotics.

Damn. Owww.

Listen, if you want, send some positive healing thoughts my way, okay? Prayers, good vibes, just happy no-toothyhurt imaginings would be fine....

I'm feeling better. The allergy seems to be slowly abating and I can mostly breathe through my nose again. Emotionally, I'm settling down and feeling more normal. I was in a lot of physical pain yesterday, but it's not too bad today, just some upper back pain that is fairly easy to manage with pain relievers (this is directly related to my as-yet-unnamed-to-the-public chronic condition). I'm still a little "fuzzy headed', but other than that, I'm doing all right. Whew.