I don't do New Year's resolutions. I haven't for years. There are lots of reasons why, the biggest being that I don't need a special day to change my mind or decide to do something differently. I just decide to do it and then do it (hah, don't I sound all in control and aware and stuff!).

Last year, though, we had a very, very pleasant day trip shortly after Christmas and it was just so wonderful and I felt so very happy that I decided right then and there that I was going to be happy from that day on. I have been, too, for the most part, though I've had a fair bit of stress this year and I don't handle stress well (it's the trauma background; I am healing, though), but I still learned a great deal about being happy, or at least, being fairly content, which is almost as good as being happy. More to the point, I learned about joy, which surpasses "happy" by an almost infinite amount and comes from the inside. Plus, hey, it's one of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), and I believe it's akin to what Paul wrote that he had learned to be content in all circumstances, good and bad (Phillipians 4:11-12). The joy that I can access almost at will is always present, in my heart, waiting for me to just be quiet and let it flow (sometimes I'm still petulant and childish and I decide not to do that because I'd rather be worried and afraid and work myself into a tizzy, but that's just bad habit and an unruly ego; the joy really is always present if I will only allow it).

I'm not happy every moment of every day. But I am happy, and I can find happiness and joy whenever I seek it. I recommend cultivating this particular fruit of the Spirit. It's well worth the investment.

The reason I wrote about this is that I was inspired by Christine Kane's "Word of the Year" idea (good, positive, blog she has, I recommend it highly), and intrigued to note that I had already kind of done this with my "happiness" theme of 2008. So I decided to deliberately choose a word (concept) for 2009.

I've chosen: Abundance.

To me, that includes things like free time, money, health, recreation, love, and so on. Abundance is about having plenty and plenty more, of everything you want, and from that plenty, you share it around, particularly to people who are not consciously able to achieve abundance on their own. Abundance isn't all fun and games, I'm pretty sure. When you have an overflow of something, you really need to be responsible for disposing of the excess appropriately and responsibly. I also include in that the desire to make the world at least a slightly better place because of my actions and decisions.

So, abundance. I'm interested to see how this is going to pan out. In order to learn about happiness and joy (note that happiness is not the same thing as joy; happiness is an emotional response to circumstances or events, but joy is utterly independent of any controlling or triggering factors!), I've had to experience some significant stresses and difficulties, as well as some things that were encouraging and which naturally inspired me to feel happy, content, etc. It's been a productive and stressful year, with lots of highs and lows, and lots of difficulties as well as things that were almost too easy to be believed. And I certainly did learn about happiness and joy, even if I can't claim to have mastered the art of being content in all circumstances yet (now that I "get it", I can continue to develop my happiness muscles, though).

I can think of some possibilities with the abundance concept. I hope I'm wrong on a couple of them. I don't really want to experience crushing poverty - been there, done that - and I don't want to do the financial roller coaster thing - been there, done that, too. I can see how doing that teaches you to expect abundance even in the apparent face of lack, but part of the purpose of my choosing the abundance concept is because I want to actually experience and know true abundance. I'm well and truly familiar with lack and material desperation...

So, my word/intention for 2009 is abundance. It'll be interesting to see how it pans out.

Tears of joy time:

And then, an inspiring interview with Bill Moyers, the guy who dreamed it up and brought it into being:

Yay! It's really, really spring, finally! There are two blow flies in the house (not that happy about that, but they are, after all, harbingers of spring), the lawn is freshly mown and smells really nice, the weather today is lovely and warm but not hot, and I just feel generally comfortable and in a good place, emotionally and spiritually (physically, I feel okay, though I've been having some trouble with my joints; I think it's the air pressure).

Life is good.

I find this video and the accompanying music incredibly joyful. Wow.

Read more about Matt and his travels at Where the Hell is Matt?

Well, I just read something that makes perfect sense. As I've written, I've decided to be happy pretty much all the time. Okay, I'm not always just grinning and thrilled with stuff, I mean, I still bang my elbows and curse or get cranky when I have a toothache or get irritated with foreign corporations who wrongfully accuse me of things I didn't do, BUT... I really am generally happy. All I have to do is just relax and let it come, and there it is.

But the thing I just read is about joy and happiness. The thing is, happiness is fleeting. It's just a human emotion. Whee, this makes me happy! (Whatever "it" happens to be.) But it's usually in response to external things.

Joy, on the other hand, is from the inside. It pours out of your core, from your heart. You can have joy in your heart even when you're externally quite pissed off (believe it or not). The surface "pissed off" will take your attention for a while, yes, but then when you let that go, the joy is right there, because the joy is what's real.

Well, it makes perfect sense to me. It's also worth noting that joy is, after all, listed as one of the "fruits of the spirit", along with love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (That's from Galatians 5:19-23 in case you want to look it up for yourself.)

Note that this is not a Bible lesson. It's just that I realised when I read about the difference between joy and happiness that joy is one of those Spirit things. And you know what? I've got the a gospel song just stuck in my head now.

I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy
Down in my heart (Where?)
Down in my heart (Where?)
Down in my heart
I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy
Down in my heart (Where?)
Down in my heart to stay

Late last year, or maybe it was early this year, I wrote here about my resolution to be happy. It wasn't a New Year's resolution because I made it on Boxing Day (26 December), when we went for a family day out and just had a perfect and incredibly happy day.

Anyway, I've actually mostly achieved it. Seriously. I'm happy most of the time. And I don't mean just okay, I mean, I'm actually happy. Even when stuff looks crappy (and sometimes it really does), I tend not to get too bogged down with it. I just prefer to be happy and to believe that it will all work out and guess what? It does. And that makes me happy. And the cycle continues...

Mostly, this is a profound attitude change, and the breaking of a lifetime of habit of thought. It's taken some time and vigilance to re-train my habitual thought patterns, but I'm doing it, and the old, negative thoughts are becoming less and less common, and the new, happy thought patterns are becoming the norm.

I know, it probably sounds like some sort of weird denial or something, but honestly, it isn't. I know denial (trust me on that one), and I know that thing where you pretend to be happy or you ignore what's really going on and smile, anyway... This is totally different. It's real, genuine joy. It flows from somewhere inside me, like a wellspring. I am not always overtly aware of it, but it takes very little effort to just relax and let it flow. Even when I'm tired and cranky and situations are not what I would like them to be, I can tap into it. Sometimes it's just a sort of pleasant contentment, sometimes it's full on bliss, but it's always there, if I just let myself experience it.

Good stuff, happiness. And surprising, too. I used to think that it was impossible to be happy most of the time (let alone all the time), but that was when I thought that happiness depended on external circumstances. Now I know better. Happiness, joy, that all comes from inside... I'm grateful that I've found out how to tap into it.

What do you think of that great entry title, eh? I think I'm getting the hang of how to write great headlines... Anyway...

Today we have some new birds in the tree outside my office. I've seen all sorts of birds out there, including magpies and cockatoos and Crimson Rosellas and King Parrots, but today, new ones: Eastern Rosellas (note: these are not the same as Crimson Rosellas, which are primarily red and blue; Eastern Rosellas are multi-coloured, but not to be confused with Rainbow Lorikeets).

*happy sigh* Life is good. There are Eastern Rosellas in the tree!

For the second time in a couple of months, I ordered a CD because of posts in a forum I hang out in. Last time it was a user who went by the nick of Lorelei and it made me crave Styx. This time it was someone who made reference to Shambala, which, of course, made me want to listen to Three Dog Night.

I am old, and I don't care who knows it!

Wash away my troubles, wash away my pain
With the rain in Shambala
Wash away my sorrow, wash away my shame
With the rain in Shambala

And who couldn't like:

Joy to the world
All the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me

Mmm, yeah. These are songs from the days when musicians were actually, you know, musicians....

Okay, the title of this post has nothing to do with the content, other than a very vague word play. I just really like Mel Brooks' History of the World Part 1.

We have a tree in our front yard, just outside my office window. In that tree is a birdseed cake. Just now I looked out to see that there were a mated pair of King Parrots in the tree, eating seeds. I can't recall having ever seen King Parrots before in the wild! Woo! Parrots in the tree outside my window! Woo!

This tree has also been host to a flock of about six Sulpher Crested Cockatoos, a pair of Crimson Rosellas, and, most commonly, Australian Magpies, who live in the bigger tree nearby and seem to regard the property as their own.

All the years I've been here and I've still never gotten over parrots in the trees. It never fails to delight me...

I just bought someone a pair of chickens, and bought someone else a mosquito net. There are all kinds of cool things you can buy for poverty-stricken people all around the world (Africa, India, etc.), ranging from AU$5 to AU$5000. (Note: The exchange rate is currently very close to even, with 1AUD equal to about .95USD)

I love to shop online, and I love to donate to charity, so shopping for charity was super fun and now I feel all happy to know that someone, somewhere has a supply of eggs now, and someone (possibly an entire family) is going to be that much less likely to contract malaria.

You can purchase school supplies, stoves, tree seedlings, mosquito nets, goats, toilets, HIV awareness plans, fund a literacy program or a women's self help group and other interesting things. I really recommend people check it out. It's a fun way to send tangible healing and help to people who really need it.

(Oh, and before anyone is concerned, the charity group is Christian, but they do absolutely ZERO evangelism. None. Nada. They save their evangelism for churches and other Christians, trying to get them to donate to the cause. They do this charity work because they just plain believe it's the right thing to do, and I agree. It is. And it's fun to buy chickens and goats for people, yeah?)

Andrew and I are going to see this show (note that I had to edit that Wikipedia page - because I'm white and nerdy - to change an incorrect use of "inferring" to "implying" because people can't seem to tell the difference between "imply" and "infer" and it drives me nuts). And it's at a theatre I've never been to, which is always enjoyable for me. So, just, yay. I'm very excited, even if it doesn't show in this blog post.

I've been looking for cherry-flavoured black tea for ages. I used to have it when I'd take Zoë to speech therapy, as they had some in the community kitchen. I tried to find out where they got it, but it was apparently brought in by one of the therapists who was never around when I was and I could never find out where she acquired it (it was St. Balfour, and this is in Melbourne, so if you know where I can get St. Balfour cherry flavoured tea in Melbourne, please, please, let me know).

Anyway, cherry isn't a very common flavouring in Australia for various reasons, and I've been unable to find cherry tea, despite having searched for it for some time.

Well, it seems that Andrew managed to score me some cherry tea, and gave it to me for Valentine's Day. He got it in a Japanese tea shop in the city, apparently. The stuff smells fantastic, and it's got little berries and stuff in it, very interesting to look at. And it tastes YUM, with a nice, slightly tart cherry edge. Mmmmmm. Cherry.

Pretty good husband, huh?

As I noted, I made a New Year's resolution (okay, I actually decided it on Boxing Day, i.e., the day after Christmas) to be happy. I'm doing okay with it. It's not as difficult as you might imagine... Even when I'm feeling irritable and cross and worried, I can reach into a place beyond or above or behind all of that (hard to describe) and find the joy.

I'm not claiming to be happy all the time. I think, as I did when I decided to be happy, that it's impossible to be happy every moment of every day. But... I can find true joy EVERY day (except for a couple or three days there earlier this month when I was physically quite ill, but even then I managed to at least find moments of peace).

I actually have quite a lot to worry about at the moment. I haven't written about it, and I won't, but I've got some pretty major concerns on all fronts, and thus far, no real way to deal with any of them. If I can be happy through that, well, I'm doing pretty well, I think.

Happiness is a worthy goal. I highly recommend it. It's your choice, just as it was and is mine.

I really like The Alannah and Madeline Foundation. This is a really good charity organisation, that provides support to children who are victims of abuse, bullying, crime, and other violence. This is a cause I really believe in. I have, in the past, given reasonable sized "chunk" donations when they call, but today they called and I didn't feel I could make a commitment of that sort right now, but I felt really badly about it, because I really love this organisation and the work they do (their "Better Buddies" school anti-bullying program is brilliant). So I thought about it and went to their website and saw that I could be a Friend of the Foundation pretty easily, and the amounts are very palatable. The Silver level is less than I spend on going out to get a treat for dessert.

Anyway, I'm happy to say I'm now a Friend of the Foundation, and I would urge others who care about the needs of children to look into the Foundation and consider making a donation. I normally wouldn't make a pitch like this, but I sincerely believe in this charity, and I honestly support them, and I understand that they're currently in a funding crisis (this is a private charity, and they don't get any sort of government funding), so I thought I might as well. Please, at least go give it a look. Read the story about how the Foundation came to be formed, look at some of their programs, and then maybe make a donation.

The good karma will be worth it, but so will the feeling that you're actually helping some child who has been the victim of violence.

Well, I'm doing okay with my resolution to be happy every day. I'm not happy constantly, I think that's impossible. But I believe that the more I consciously seek joy and the more I refuse to allow the worries, fears, and constraints of every day life upset me, the more I'll grow into the habit of being happy pretty much all the time.

Pretty cool, eh?

I'm not normally a "resolution" kind of person. Generally, when I decide to do something, I do it (or I try, anyway), regardless of the calendar. January 1st isn't any more special to me than any other day, really.

Anyway, this year I do have a resolution, but I've already started it. On Boxing Day (that's the day after Christmas for those of you who are not in a Commonwealth nation), we observed our usual "day trip" tradition and we ended up at Wilson's Promontory and we just had the best time of it (there are a couple of new photos already in the photo gallery, but I haven't documented them, and I still have more to add). I was so very happy on that day, just really, genuinely happy. It was a perfect day out, and it was also a spiritual experience in ways that I can't really explain without sounding like a lunatic (which I may already do, but I'll take that risk).

Now I've been working on healing and attitude and a lot of spiritually directed things for a long, long time now, and to put it into a nutshell, I realised that there's no real reason why I can't and shouldn't be happy every day. So that's my resolution. From now on, I'm going to be happy, every day, for the rest of my life.

Now... I am not insane. I am more than aware that life is full of all kinds of twists and turns and unforseen tragedy and so forth. I don't expect to be happy every moment of every day. I think that's probably impossible. But I do definitely believe that it's possible to rise above stress, pain, grief, sorrow, fear, and other stuff that gets in the way of being happy. I know from long experience that if I can just manage to climb on top of that stuff, I can touch the joy, and experience it. And I know that I can know joy even when I'm sad or tired or irritable, because I've done it. The trick is just going to be to do it all the time, or at least most of the time.

There you go, my resolution. And isn't it just a doozy...

This morning on the way to school, Miranda and I saw a whole lot of snail tracks, criss-crossing the cement footpath. The light must have been just right. It was actually quite beautiful, these silvery streaks from where snails had been crossing back and forth all night and into the morning.

This afternoon, I saw a whole flock of Rainbow Lorikeets in a gum tree not far from our house. These are my favourite bird. They're really noisy (parrots generally are), but they're just so beautiful (I wish we could attract them with the seeds we put out, but we only seem to be able to get doves to come around).

A few days ago, we had the most beautiful sunset. Happily, I had the camera handy. I have this on my desktop now, as wallpaper (I might upload the wallpaper to my wallpaper download thingy, actually; I should make some new ones, anyway, since I now use a weird monitor size and I know other people do, too).

In the meantime, though, click the thumbnail to view the full size photo:

 

I've been very happy all day, for no particular reason. I love when that happens. Last night there was an interview on television with Jerry Seinfeld, and he was talking about how much nicer life is when you just stop to enjoy something in the moment. Like, a really good parking place. Or a good cigar. Or a nice cold drink of water on a hot day. Just take a moment and think, "Yeah, this is good." I agree with that completely. Life really is better when you try to live in the moment and enjoy the moment when you're in it.

Right now, I'm listening to The Eagles and it's not too hot in the house, but the fan is on, and that feels really nice. I've got bare feet. My jeans are getting too big on me (when I walked Miranda to school, I had to keep pulling them up, heh). I'm wearing Gucci perfume. Andrew's here, watching television. The kids are in bed. Life is good. Right now, at this moment life is good.

I'm starting to suspect that living in the moment is the way to achieve enlightenment, actually... Whatever, it's damned pleasant to just be. You know, the great I AM. I am, and right now, everything is fine.

Tell me, how long, how long
Woman, will you weep?
How long, how long
Rock yourself to sleep

How long, how long
Muddy river runs so deep
How long, how long
Goodnight baby, rock yourself to sleep

Andrew made omelettes today. First time he's done it. We got a new omelette pan last week and this week we put it to the test. Yummy! He's a pretty good cook, generally speaking, and now that I know he can do good omelettes, I'm going to press him into service making them... Mmmmm.

Just for the record he also makes an excellent risotto (from scratch, too!) and a killer green curry (usually with lamb and snow peas).

I had occasion today to see a picture of the lions outside the New York Public Library. I remembered them from my very early childhood (and I do mean very early, as I was born in New York and we moved away when I was only three), but when I saw them again, my memory was jogged and I was very pleased to see them. Apparently, they've been restored, which is good, because they're pretty darned iconic, as these things go.

So now I'm happy, having seen the "library lions" today. It seems oddly appropriate (and makes me smile) to think that one of my earliest clear memories is of a library...

I feel joyful today. No particular reason. I don't need to have a reason to be happy, do I? No, of course not. I'm just feeling joyful and grateful and happy, and it feels amazing. So many years and I never really felt anything like lasting joy and peace, and now I have these days when I just feel totally joyful for no particular reason. Sometimes it lasts all day, sometimes just a few hours, but it's incredible no matter what. Bliss, I think the term might be.

May you be filled with loving kindness, may you be well, may you be peaceful and at ease, and may you be happy.

I haven't done a "Life is Good" entry for a long time. It's not because life isn't good, it's just that I forget to comment on it sometimes. Well, today I'm in a very mellow, joyful mood for no particular reason, and I'm really enjoying it. And then, someone on a forum I like to hang around challenged us to share some of our favourite childhood memories. So here are some I'll share:

Going for day trips all over Arizona, hunting for rocks/gems in the canyons and desert, seeing all the gorgeous scenery, taking a picnic lunch, and nobody was fighting.

Climbing up a tree with several books and making myself comfortable in the branches and just sitting up there for hours, reading and enjoying the comfort of the tree all around me.

The smell of tar and eucalyptus on those blazing hot days we used to get in Tucson.

Visiting my grandmother for the weekend, and having her read to me. She read me the entire "Anne of Green Gables" series (seven books, I think, in total), and "Little Women", plus the sequel, "Little Men", and a few other books (but "Little Women" and Anne stand out the most).

Swimming for hours and hours by myself, and not realising at the time how terribly irresponsible it was of my mother not to supervise me (I did nearly drown once, in fact, but never told her about it).

Playing rummy with my grandmother, who beat me almost all the time (she was really good at that card game!).

Going to Luna Park on Coney Island, that classic amusement part, eating Nathan's Hot Dogs, and going on one of the world's best rollercoasters, "The Cyclone", with the man who I thought of as my grandfather (he was actually my grandmother's husband and no relation to me at all, but he loved me and I loved him, so it was all good).

I can't be around non-geeks. I just cannot cope with certain kinds of people, certain kinds of mentalities, and they cannot cope with me. Not that I'm claiming geeks are all nice and friendly and happy (they're not). I just understand geeks and they understand me. Normal people do NOT understand me, nor I them.

Continue reading "Quiet, geeky things"…

I'm happy. I have no particular "reason" for it. I'm just happy. I'm happy with my life, I'm happy with my business, I'm happy with my family, I'm happy with myself. All of this can change in the blink of an eye, and I'll be cross with someone or worrying about something or annoyed with myself. But right now, at not quite one in the morning on 11 July 2006, I feel extremely contented and happy with life, the universe, and everything, and at peace with myself and with God.

I got a new recipe book, one specifically for slow cookers. I had a look through it and there was a recipe for Senate Bean Soup, so called because it's famously served in the cafeteria of the United States Senate. Traditionally, it's made with a hambone or hamhocks or similar, but this recipe uses bacon (full rashers, which is not something you find easily in the United States, with rind, which gets cooked in but taken out prior to eating).

My grandmother used to make Senate Bean Soup. She used a ham bone, usually, but was known to use ham hocks on occasion. She also didn't bother to put it through a sieve (in my case, I'm going to use a food processor) at the end, because she just couldn't be bothered. She also couldn't be bothered to take the bay leaves out, and would just say, "If you get a bay leaf, don't eat it." I eventually came to regard getting a bay leaf in my soup as good luck.

So I've got a big pot of bean soup in the slow cooker and it's starting to smell really grand. I went in and gave it a stir just now (I know, not necessary, but I like to do it now and then) and when I took the lid off the pot I just got the best whiff of bacon and onion and celery and beans... YUM.

Comfort food, for many reasons.... Mmmm.

Once we try this, I may alter the recipe a little (because I do that frequently with new recipes) and then I'll post it somewhere online. Recipes should be shared. Comfort food should be encouraged.

And, then, of course, there's that obligatory very old joke (which only works in an English or Australian accent).

Customer: What's the special of the day?
Waiter: It's bean soup.
Customer: I don't care what it's been, what is it now?

Life is just good. I feel contented, bordering on happy. I have no reason for this. I haven't won the lottery or anything. I'm just happy.

What a glorious, marvellous, magnificent feeling to be happy just because.

We're going on holiday to Bendigo and Swan Hill for a few days. We'll be actually leaving on Sunday, but I might not be online much between now and then, and I won't be back online until Thursday at the earliest, and possibly Friday, and I furthermore probably won't be answering mail or any of that stuff until the weekend after we're back.

I will, however, have lots of picture of the Wimmera District of Victoria and various towns and places along the journey, so, hey, you have that to look forward to in my absence, right? (Because I just know how much y'all hang on my every written word and stuff, and yes, I'm being sardonic.)

Anyway, if you're waiting to hear from me or wondering where I am or whatever, that's the answer. I'm on holiday! Yay!

Mmmmm. Tea. Earl Grey, made fresh with proper tea leaves in an infuser (rather than teabags). Mmmmmmm.

There's something incredibly satisfying about watching a painting come to life, slowly, bit by bit. I'm working on another book cover at the moment, and it's taking form, and that's just so fulfilling. I love to see it grow, layer by layer, into a finished cover.

I also, I admit, LOVE being given inspiration. I've always been one of those people who has trouble thinking of "what to draw", and inspiration can be in short supply. The thing I LOVE about doing illustrations and book covers is that they give me clear parameters to work in, which is how I like to work. I've never been good with a blank canvas, but give me restrictions and requirements and I'm off and running.

This, of course, is why I'm mostly a graphic designer and/or illustrator rather than a fine artist. There's a saying that graphic design is all talent and no inspiration (and fine art is all inspiration and no talent, ha ha, although of course that's not true; I've known plenty of talented fine artists).

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm really loving the book cover gig.

I always loved the Body Shop's bergamot body wash. It was like taking a shower in Sprite or something, really refreshing (although, really, showering in Sprite wouldn't be refreshing, but showering in something that smelled like it would be, and that's what this stuff smelled like).

Then they changed the formula a couple of years ago for some unknown reason, and it was for the worse, in my opinion. I still used it because it was okay smelling, but it wasn't the bright, citrus smell that I like.

Finally, they changed it back, and, well, it's good. Better than the other one, anyway. (I guess other people agreed with me that the previous formula was better, eh?)

This, by the way, doesn't really have much to do with anything, except to demonstrate that sometimes even really little things can make a person happy, y'know?

Zoë went to pre-school, and Miranda went to a music playgroup session with Nanna (who has finally returned from her prolonged stay in Europe). I dropped Zoë off and then went and picked up a few things from the chemist (drugstore) and the supermarket, and I did it all by myself. It was amazing! The sun is shining, it's not too hot (yet, anyway, it's still early), and I got to go out without being accompanied by small children! Wow!

Right at this moment in time, I feel settled, content, and excited (about a project I'm working on), and I feel hopeful about all kinds of things. Zoë had a really good day at Early Intervention and she's been talking and understanding more and more, we had a nice lunch, I'm not in too much pain today (although I am rather notably fatigued in the arms and upper back, but you can't have everything, heh), it looks like John Howard may just lose the upcoming election (Saturday I get to vote as an Australian citizen for the first time!), and it's spring!

Mind you, half an hour or an hour from now I may be in a much less optimistic mood, but for now, it's good. I'm good. I've learned to just take these little moments and enjoy them, like an expensive chocolate.

I was going to get Zoë from preschool today and I was suddenly struck by a wave of really noticing where I was. Mind you, I was just driving down a suburban street, nothing fancy. But the Dandenong mountains were visible to my left, there are eucalyptus trees of all varieties all over the place, it's a pleasant day, and I was just hit with, "Hey! I'm in Australia!"

Sounds kinda weird to many people, I'll bet, but the fact is, I fell in love with Melbourne specifically and Australia in general years ago, and I'm still in love. Lots of times I don't think about it much, of course, but every now and then, just like with a person you love and see every day, I noticed my surroundings and that whoosh of infatuation and love hit me all over again.

I do consider myself fortunate to be able to live in "The World's Most Livable City." As far as I'm concerned, the old nickname, "Marvellous Melbourne," is still absolutely applicable.

Well, things are getting caught up in a good way. Zoë's doing well in her various therapies (speech therapy, some social skills work, etc.), and Miranda is turning into a real little two-year-old right on schedule, Andrew is going to be getting a very substantial pay raise in the very near future (no date yet, as it involves a government contract, and that can be tricky to negotiate), and I'm learning to manage my medical complaints (pain, exhaustion, etc.; and yes, it's a real medical condition, and no, it's not treatable at this time, although research in the field is ongoing, and no, I'm not going to say what it is just yet because I still need some more tests to "rule out" some other possibilities).

I'm feeling pretty okay about things right now. This is good. I'm going to bask in it so that the next time I feel overwhelmed and pissed off, I can try to recall this very pleasant moment on a sunny, breezy day, the scent of freshly mown grass drifting in the window, the feeling of momentary peace (since our household is rarely peaceful for any length of time, heh), and remind myself that these little moments happen frequently and will happen again...

Anyone who has read this blog for, oh, ten minutes maybe, knows I'm quite cynical. I don't do it deliberately, actually. I try to be reasonably positive about stuff (not always with success), but my natural outlook is cynical and my life experience (at least for the first 35 years or so) has just contributed to it.

Anyway, I am very aware that people are NOT always self-interested, mean, thoughtless, etc. In fact, a lot of people, as individuals, are perfectly lovely, thoughtful, kind people.

It is, of course, my tendency to think they're probably not until I get to know them, but that's another discussion...

Today someone suprised me pleasantly by offering to help 'weed out' the blogs by women ring (which has been closed to new members for a while due to lack of time, lack of enthusiasm, the fact that the ring has 900+ members, the fact that Ringsurf's automatic ring code checker isn't working, and the fact that I got tired of taking random shit from snotty girls and their obnoxious friends). She actually said that she'd send me a list of sites that are missing or which don't have the code if I'd let her join the ring.

Hey, I'd let her join the ring anyway (it's a nice blog; I do make exceptions to my "no new members" rule, hehe), but the generosity of time just blew me away. What a generous offer, and I'm grateful.

CJ, thank you very much. I appreciate it.

For New Year's Eve, we stayed in (we always do), and watched a movie we rented. It was The Abduction Club, which is basically a romantic costume film. It could have been a romance novel of a previous era (these things do go in trends; this story had two couples, and that's kind of not really done right now in the romance genre, and yes, I pay attention to things like this). If you like costume pieces and romance novels and you can rent this one, I definitely recommend it. Very fun, and they use the word "romp" in the description on the back, to boot.

I don't actually have much else to say about things at the moment. Life is pretty slow and even and calm, and I quite like that.

It's quiet. No television, no stereo, just the hum of the fan in my computer and the tapping of the keyboard. I can hear birds outside. The sun is shining through the windows, although it's not too hot in here, nor is it too cold.

Both children are asleep of their own free will.

Life is good.

It's SPRING. Thank goodness. I hate winter, and it hates me. Seasonal Affective Disorder SUCKS. But now it's spring, yay!

Everyone is in good health, I don't have a headache, my marriage is happy (despite the fact that we're both basically annoying), my kids are cute, my cat loves me, and I'm proud of myself for the way I handled a recent high-drama situation which, in the not-too-distant past, would have bought out the absolute worst in me and turned me into a raving psychobitch (I didn't rave at all, nor did I go psycho, although I may have been just a little bit bitchy, hehe).

So there you do. Life IS good. I just really need to remember that, ALWAYS.

It's SPRING! Finally. I was out today and it was so nice and springlike out there. It's not even raining (mind you, we need the rain, but it's been raining a LOT lately). I've got the patio and laundry room doors open to let in the fresh air. Mmm. Equinox in just a couple of weeks, woohoo! (This is mostly a biological thing, mind you, but I always say I get in high gear around Equinox and stay that way until just after the other Equinox. Mid-winter, though... ugh.)

And there's more! I've been invited to be an "approved artist" for a gaming site. They have a means for players to put in pictures of their characters, and for copyright purposes, only allow art made by approved artists that they know and support. It's all purely freelance, of course, and the player pays for the art, which is fine with me (I like freelance, short-term projects, as I get board with long ones). There are lots of interesting fantasy races and character classes to make pictures of (since I need to put up some samples of my own choosing), and, woohoo, it's a MUD.

How long has it been since I went to a MUD? Ages, but I'm quite familiar with the environment. I also used to be a pretty fanatical fantasy role player (I do everything I'm interested in fanatically, mind you). I've read so many fantasy magazines and seen so much fantasy art (which, if you've looked at my online gallery, you've probably figured out, eh?). I'm REALLY comfortable with the genre and with a gaming environment, and with MUDs, too.

This project practically has my name written on it. I'm actually pretty excited about it. I'll post a link (and probably eventually put in a permanent link eventually) when I've gotten more into it and it seems appropriate to do so. I tend to jump into things with both feet and immerse myself in them, sometimes to my regret when I make a fool of myself or things don't work out or whatever. I'm learning to temper that. A bit, anyway. I won't deny I find this idea really interesting and potentially great fun. Anyway, I'll post a link when it seems like a good idea to do that.

Finally, Zoë is doing really well. Her speech is getting much better, and she's forming simple sentences all on her own, without prompting. She seems to be (knock on wood) teaching herself how to control her bladder, and she's definitely FINALLY getting the bowel control idea. (For those who haven't been around or don't recall, Zoë is now going toward four years old and she's mildly autistic. I'm not ashamed to admit that I've been worried about my little girl and her prospects in the world, but it's looking very good. Her prognosis is excellent, and there's improvement already, after only about six or eight months of therapy and pre-school. Whew. (Oh, and for the record, the kid is clearly VERY smart. Nothing worng with her intelligence at all. She's just language-impaired and somewhat socially impaired, both of which can be worked through with the right therapy.)

So. Yes. Life is good. It's the end of winter, in many ways.

Well, we picked up the repaired car today. It's smoooooth. It did need a new fuel pump, and also there was a computer controlled sensor that had gone bad (which is possibly what caused the fuel pump to die). So we had that fixed, and we got a tune up. No more rough idle when it's cold, no more "tappa tappa tappa" at slow speeds, yay!

I had a bit of a crappy time earlier today. The car wouldn't start and Zoë was crying incessantly in her car seat, and that made Miranda cry, and it all just pushed me over the edge. Thankfully, we have another car we can use and we already had an appointment to get the car serviced on Monday and we've got RACV (Royal Auto Club of Victoria, like the AAA in the States) so we can even get free towing. But it was annoying and extremely nerve-wracking and I just lost it for a little while.

Once we got the other car sorted out and everything was a bit calmer and we were going out (we had actually intended to go to the market, but by the time we got moving, it was too late), I decided I needed to get out of my foul mood. I decided to find five things to be grateful for.

The first was easy. There was the most amazing, splendid, gorgeous firey orange sunset I've seen in a long time. The clouds were the thin, icy sort that reflect the light and it was amazingly intense and just incredibly beautiful.

The next was that we already had the car appointment and that it's school holidays so that I don't have to worry about taking Zoë anywhere while the car's out of commission.

The next was that we had a really nice dinner in the city, quite on a whim, in a very pleasant restaurant where they had a live piano player and a very enjoyable atmosphere.

Then, when we had a walk in the city, I was grateful that I could walk without pain, and that the weather was nice enough to have a pleasant walk.

Finally, I'm grateful for my family. Andrew took me out to dinner because he thought I needed it (and he wanted to go, as well), and Zoë, despite being somewhat difficult at times (she does NOT handle disappointment and/or frustration well!), is clever and a really charming, fun little kid, and that Miranda is a good-natured, cute, and happy little toddler, and, most of all, that they're all mine to enjoy.

Life IS good. Even if circumstances sometimes really, really annoy me for a little while.

Now and then, I think back on the days when I lived alone. It was scary at first, because I'd never lived alone in my entire life, despite being in my thirties at the time. But eventually, I got to where I kinda liked it.

I didn't have to answer to anyone. I could come and go as I pleased, I could eat what I wanted when I wanted. I slept all by myself in my very large waterbed, all flopped out all over the place, and I could turn up the heat in that waterbed without anyone to complain about it being too hot.

On the other hand, if I didn't take out the garbage, it didn't get taken out. If I didn't cook, I didn't eat. If I didn't personally attend to things that needed to get done, well, they didn't get done.

I learned a great deal about myself and the world. I learned that sometimes you have to ask for and accept help, but that you can't really count on anyone else to do things for you. I learned that being alone is not the same as being lonely. I remembered that I actually have always enjoyed my own company and that I tend to be solitary, and that "alone time" is a good thing. I learned that I am, despite what my mother said, very competent.

I'm not saying I'd necessarily want to go back to that. I really quite like being married. I like having kids. There are days when I wish I could have some time alone (particularly on the days when the toddler, who has learned how to follow people into other rooms, insists on going even to the toilet with me *sigh*). And I sometimes miss that great big waterbed.

But it's nice to get into our little, snuggly double bed and have a warm, furry, chubby bloke in there. He's always nice and warm, and he lets me put my cold feet on him to warm up, provided I don't move them around too much. And it's nice to have my little fairy child say "I love you, too," although she can't manage to say it very clearly. And it's even nice to have the bossy toddler take a break from whatever mischief she's been into and have her come over and climb into my lap for a cuddle. I like it here. I like being married to Andrew, and I like being a parent.

I'm still not crazy about taking out the garbage though. And it's times like that when you really appreciate having someone else around to do it for you.

Well, I haven't made a "life is good" entry in a long time. Too long.

I've been very, very stressed lately. For several months, really. Getting a diagnosis that your child probably has Autistic Spectrum Disorder is a shock, to say the least. And then there are a mountain of tests that have to be run to rule out other problems. It's all been very frightening and upsetting, to say the least.

I'm happy to say I've gotten past the initial stages of shock and disbelief, anger, all of that. It's just like grieving, actually. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Went through all of that. It's not that I stopped loving Zoë (quite the contrary), but a lot of hopes and expectations and such have to be readjusted. It's emotionally pretty wrenching.

Anyway, not only have I gotten past that, she's actually doing very, very well. She had speech therapy yesterday and her therapist remarked on the marked improvement in eye contact, communication (not just speech, but communication in general), and sociability. It's true, too. Zoë has had a tremendous improvement in the past few weeks in both understanding and expression, and her tantrums have improved greatly in recent weeks. She's quite a pleasure to be with most of the time.

She still has her bad days, of course. All kids do. But the change for the better is both encouraging and a huge relief. She really is going to be all right. She'll probably always be eccentric and a little odd, but with parents like Andrew and me, what can you really expect?

The other thing that's really nice is that it's a beautiful day. I went out to take Zoë to pre-school (which she loves, by the way) and was struck by what a nice day it was and how nice it was to be out in it. Slightly hazy, cool but not cold, that pleasant autumny smell in the air, and best of all, the view of the Dandenong Mountains in the hazy, pale sunshine. It was just one of those little "golden moments".

We still have a long way to go with Zoë. She's still got tests that have to be done and placement in an early intervention program, etcetera. But it's looking a lot better to me now than it did a couple months ago.

Yesterday was a really good day. Zoë was very pleasant all day, and while Miranda was kinda cranky, she wasn't too bad so long as she had plenty to drink and eat. It was cool in the house in the morning, got hotter as the day went on, but never really got to "intolerable", I don't think. Still, Andrew brought home stuff to make nice cold sandwiches (veggies, pickles, cold meat, etc.) so no one had to cook and we still got a nutritious meal.

I also got an unexpected commission to do a custom blog setup with one of my existing templates. Custom title, and set it up on Blogger (and BlogSpot). I actually had fun doing that, and I very much enjoyed "meeting" the young lady whose blog it is (Tatiana, a Russian living in Texas).

AND with that unexpected commision (which was paid promptly, thank you), I got something I'd been wanting for a while from a particular online store. The commission was just enough to cover the cost of it, how cool is that?

So all in all, it was a very good day, despite the sinus pain and itchy eyes and nosebleeds. The rest of the day quite made up for the minor annoyance of allergies to all this smoke...

I feel pretty okay of late. My mouth is finally healing and I'm not in constant pain now (which probably means it's time to do something like get a tattoo or break my arm again or something). It's amazing how much better a person feels when they're NOT in pain...

I've also lost some weight. Don't know how much because I don't know what I weighed before, but I'd say it's about ten pounds. My clothes fit better and last night Andrew went to give me a hug and ran his hand along my back and said, "Hey, you have lost some weight" (not that my weight bothers him one way or the other). The weight loss is mostly due to the oral surgery, because I've had to change my eating habits. I eat much more slowly now out of necessity, and I take smaller bites because I don't have a choice. It's kind of frustrating, but it's something that I've needed to learn for a while, anyway.

Oh, and I've cut out chocolate (which has a very definite addictive cycle with me) and given up most junk foods. The changes are fairly minor, but I can see and feel a difference. Next I need to work on eating more fruit and vegetables, although we've already moved toward more salads, which is a good thing.

My first Poser product is near completion. I'm working now on the final tweaking and confirming a few things I need to know about how a couple other versions of Poser handle a few things, and I may need to re-render the promo art, but otherwise, the product itself is pretty much done. Many thanks to my beta testers, Lady Jaiven and Diane of Birklea.

I've already got plans for expansion packs and for another product. My creativity in this area is really flowing.

On other fronts, the little girls are doing well, and Andrew and I are doing well, in one of our more harmonious phases. These things come and go in our relationship, where we get sort of out of sync with each other. Well, we're in sync now (but not, thank goodness, N'Sync, that woudl be just too scary to think about), and that's good. He's still annoying as hell, of course, but I knew that about him long before I married him, so I guess I can live with it...

I'm fairly burned out on web design of late. Well, not burned out, more just, disinterested. I'm keeping up with the usual client maintenance and other concerns of that sort, but the independent web design and/or graphics creation is on a back burner. Eventually, I'll take some of the characters I've been generating in Poser and put them into graphics sets, but just at the moment I can't be bothered with HTML or anything that looks like it. Blah. I went through a big fit of redesigning a few months back and spent my design creativity and now I'm onto something else for a while. This is entirely normal for me.

Haven't been taking a lot of pictures lately, mostly just the kids. Mostly, I've been occupied elsewhere, but also, I haven't been going on any photographic expeditions. It's too bloody hot most of the time to be gallavanting around the city with a couple of kids and a camera. I tolerate heat pretty well, but I'm not silly enough to go out when it's over a certain temperature. I'd rather go to an air conditioned shopping center, and there aren't usually a lot of great photo ops in a place like that.

So that's the size of it, and that's why I'm not very talkative in this here weblog thingy. I'm just exhausting my creative thought processes elsewhere. It'll come around again eventually and I'll be much more verbal and then I'll be filling up this blog with all sorts of inane junk, as usual.

It's a perfectly beautiful spring day. It's warm in the house, but since two doors are open to draw the breeze in, I can smell the summer flowers and foliage now and then when the gentle zephyr wafts past, caressing my face like a whisper of silk...

Today is Melbourne Cup Day, the Melbourne Cup being a horse race and the "crown jewel" of the Spring Racing Carnival. It's sort of a mix of the Kentucky Derby, Royal Ascot, and a bit of Mardi Gras thrown in for good measure.

Anyway, Melbourne Cup Day is a holiday in Victoria. I dunno why, actually. I mean, it's a horse race... Andrew says it was a holiday before the race became something that was televised so everyone could watch it. Today there was something on the news about how other states want the day as a holiday, too (apparently, they want to watch the race, as well). You can kinda guess why the Melbourne Cup is called "the race that stops a nation."

So we went out today and partook of leisure activities. Mostly we had lunch out and went for a nice ride down the seacoast (pictures will follow when I get them processed).

Although it's far too cold to swim (in my opinion; we did see someone on a waterski and also someone windsurfing; guess it's not so bad if you've got a thick wetsuit or something), we did have a bit of a walk on the beach. Zoë found the water coming up onto the shore to be pretty hilarious. She wanted to run into into it, but of course we didn't let her. She also thought that walking in thick, loose sand was pretty strange, but in a good way.

Next time, I think we'll actually stop at the place that has an "animal wonderland" and "entertainment for the whole family" and giant earthworms (all the time I've lived here, I've still never seen the giant earthworms!). I was wanting to go see the worms for a while now, but Andrew said he wasn't sure where it was. Well, now he knows, and next time we go for an outing, we can go there.

And now, pastas cooking. Mmmm. Pasta. All in all, I'd say it's been a really good day. Life is good. Hooray for the Melbourne Cup.

I just paid my cable internet bill online. The reason this is good is because for me, it's always such a luxury to be able to actually pay bills when they're due. I spent so many years barely surviving (in every way you can imagine), and now I have this pleasant middle-class existence and I can pay my bills when they're due. I'm so glad I can appreciate stuff like this. Makes life much more pleasant when you can take such joy in typing in your credit card number and knowing it's all good.

We're Friends of the Zoo, and that gives us an annual unlimited pass to two zoos/wildlife habitat centres in the area, plus reduced rates at a nearby open range zoo. So today we went to the zoo. We went to the one in Melbourne, which happens to be the oldest zoo in the Southern Hemisphere.

They have the most gorgeous grounds there. People actually have weddings in some of the gardens, that's how pretty it is. They also have a lot of really cool attractions and interesting displays.

At the moment they have a baby giraffe, one so young she still has her umbilical stump. They also have a buttefly house which is absolutely amazing. I got a few pictures of butterflies, but most of them didn't come out well at all, unfortunately. Butterflies are surprisingly difficult to photograph...

Anyway, I've got a nice lot of pictures of the zoo and some really nice new flower photos. I'll get them online soonish, but I'm getting ready to switch over to a different gallery system and I'll wait until I've done that before uploading more.

It was a good day. We had fun. Life is good.

We went to the Melbourne Museum today to see a visiting show called The Italians: Three Centuries of Italian Art. I had heard mixed reviews of it, but I'm glad I went. There were a couple of extremely impressive pieces there, including a very significant Caravaggio and a couple of Renaissance works that quite impressed me. Some of these paintings have absolutely luminous colors! I had no idea!

I got fairly bored by the end of the exhibition, but that's because we'd gotten into the Rococco period and the beginning of the Romantic (pretty much anything in the 18th century leaves me cold, with a few exceptions).

All in all, I'm really glad we went, despite the fact that we had to stand in the queue for an hour just to get in.

I also got some pictures of the Royal Melbourne Exhibition Centre and the Museum and a couple other odds and ends from in the city. I'll put them online in the next day or so (yes, that's the other eason my life is good; I have my camera back!).

Since I tend to be negative (I try not to be, but it seems to be my nature) and since I use this blog as a means of bitching, complaining, and ranting, it has occurred to me that I should probably show my cheerful side more often here. I promise, I really am generally contented (even happy), usually in reasonably good humor, and while I do get irritated fairly easily, I also am delighted fairly easily, I am easily amused, and I'm deeply thankful for an awful lot in my life.

So with that in mind, I thought I'd make a new category for "Life is Good" reflections, and I'll try to add something regularly (no set schedule or anything, though).

I have these (and many more) good things in my life:

I have a happy marriage. It's not just that I love my husband. Our marriage is actually good. Strong, flexible, healthy. The relationship is great.

I have gorgeous, intelligent children.

I have good physical health, although I really need to do more exercise and lose some weight (for my personal comfort, not because I'm worried that other people have a right to tell me how big my butt can or can't be).

I have pretty good mental health. As this has not always been the case, I greatly appreicate having more or less stable moods (we're talking wild mood swings here, not my occaisonal fits of annoyance or giggles or whatever). I'm extremely happy that I get post traumatic flashbacks only rarely, and they're always triggered by something specific that I can identify and work on healing. A panic attack or flashback these days means I need to deal with something internal and take better care of myself, and I know how to do that now. It's good.

I have a fabulous best friend. How I managed to find her in this big, wide world is still pretty amazing to me.

I have a cool job, and I'm damned good at it.

I have my own 24/7 Unix server, an internet geek's dream come true...

I have an active, sharp, constant sense of humor and I'm able to find something funny in just about any situation (yes, I do mean "any").

I have a wonderful home in a wonderful city in a wonderful, multi-cultural, interesting country.

I have a car that is stable, comfortable, and not expensive to insure.

I have memberships in some excellent groups and organizations.

I have the time and ability to write a list of Good Things I Have in my Life.

I have a much longer list of good things in my life, but I'll stop now, because I also have other things that I need to be doing...